- You have a collect call from...
- Ross Patterson.
- An inmate at street justice films.
- Alright, so no shit.
There I was, on this train to Paris.
- Will you shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up!
Everybody knows, okay?
Alright, here's to master chief bill wizeniski
and Zack kunkle.
- Every person in the military says,
they day I get out, I'm gonna party like it's the end
of the world.
- Good afternoon, Mr. best,
I'm gonna be your public defender.
Seeing as how your actual lawyer said and I quote,
"fuck him, let him stay in there."
So, the court assigned me to represent you.
Do you know what you've been charged with
or are you too drunk to remember?
- I was gonna have to hit the refresh button, my man.
- Yeah.
How bout public intoxication?
- Do it, do it, do it, do it.
- Mat, don't fucking do it.
- Bro, he's gonna fucking do it.
- I'm gonna live forever!
- Fuck, not again.
- What the fuck man?
- Matt, give him an r4 trauma bag,
it looks like he's got a sucking ass wound.
- Nice shot!
- Disorderly conduct.
- Don't fucking do it!
- Freedom to fuck off!
Yes, yes!
- Indecency.
- Bro.
- I know.
He's gonna fucking do it.
- Hey, this taking lead?
- Hey, hey, watch the prius.
- Oh, I just Lance armstronged your prius.
That means I lost a ball in it.
- I bet your corp watches the view.
Bro.
No, but really I bet it gets good mileage.
- What?
- Battery.
- Oh shit.
I fucking punched kesha last night.
I know this is gonna sound crazy
but I fucking love your music.
- Then show me, mat.
- You know that's a fucking dude, right?
- What?
- That's a fucking dude.
- Fuck.
- Why you have to ruin all the fun?
- Yeah, why do you have to ruin all the fun?
- Fuck.
- Henry kesha, duluth, Minnesota.
This is why you're also being charged with a hate crime.
And that carries with it a class a felony.
You normally get it reduced to class c misdemeanor,
I'd have to the court that you were homosexual,
which isn't much of a lie based on your sexual advances
from last night.
- I'll take the felony, brother.
- Too late, I've already plea bargained for it.
You'll be out of here at 9 am.
It will count as time served.
Tell us you just got out of the service.
See a lot of guys coming through here.
Word of advice, find your next objectives.
Something you can live for.
Choose a new goal to achieve,
learn from your time in the army.
Don't let it dictate the entire rest of your life.
- I got a plan.
I'm gonna get out, make some Internet videos,
get famous and probably make a movie one day.
- Good luck making a movie out of that.
Next thing you'll tell me is you're making
t-shirts for vets and selling them online
out of your bedroom.
- Actually.
- Alright young man, here you go.
Hold on, you ain't going nowhere without me.
You know-- - by the way,
how's your youngest daughter?
I heard she's turned 18.
- She's doing fine.
She's doing even better without you around.
- Fuck you, bitch!
- Shut up!
Aww, it's good to see you again, mat.
Sarcasm.
- You too, wilfred brimley.
- Huh?
- Got you too huh?
- Fucking arrested all of us, bro.
- I'm sure you're all innocent.
Try not to fuck each other in there,
it makes a mess.
- Oh bravo, Mr. best.
You know how long it's been since I've been locked
up in prison?
Let me see, carry the two,
that's right, my whole fucking life!
- Fuck you!
How was I supposed to know that--
- kesha, Henry kesha, you made bail.
- Call me if you want to party and shit.
Your love's my drug, bro.
- Yet another great night for Mr. best.
Let's go.
- Hey mat.
- Holy shit Jack, what's up?
- Not much, same old shit.
- Wait, you weren't even at my party last night,
were you?
No, I got arrested on the way.
- So, we gonna...
We gonna talk about this?
- This, I was just fucking around.
- I can see that.
- Some wise ass filled her box full of epoxy.
I went to Wal-Mart to get the removal
and they arrested me.
- Did you know it epoxy in it before you fucked it?
- I had my suspicions but everything speculation
till ya to jam your dick into it.
- Here's what isn't speculation.
If gene vandenham were here last night instead of you,
we wouldn't fucking be here.
- Actually, this is exactly where I thought we'd end up.
- Fuck gene and fuck you for bringing him up
and why is Rocco in the hallway?
- We told the guards that he takes prison rules seriously.
- What the fuck bro!
I ain't gonna fuck anyone.
- Oh sweet, we can play who's in my mouth.
- No, fair, I'm out here.
- Jack, stop fucking the doll.
- Just hang in there boys, there's something going
on outside.
Stay right where you are, alright?
- Fuck this.
Rocco, can you get out of those handcuffs?
- Bro, you know how fucking big I am?
- Oh, what the fuck is that?
- Rocco, check your six.
- Hell yeah!
- Fucking killed man.
- Told you, big as fuck.
- Alright, let's let us out man.
- Yeah.
- Jesus, Rocco.
You just t-boned him with a metal pole?
- What do you want me to do?
Glue him to my fucking dick?
- Is that what I think it is?
- Boys, I think our wildest dreams just came true.
The mother fucking zombie apocalypse!
Sweet fucker of the mother.
- Holy shit, isn't this fucking awesome?
- It's Marcus luttrell!
- For a second, I thought you were mark whalberg.
- No, the little fucker only played me on TV.
- Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends.
- Bro, it's so fucking good you're here, man.
- I know.
Hey, you guys have been saving my ass so many times,
I'm gonna do it for you.
Come on, stack on me,
let's get your frogman up.
Don't worry about a thing!
Hey mother fuckers, you want some of me?
- That was a short book.
- This is how I'm gonna die?
- Looks like we're the lone survivors now.
- Alright boys, bring it in.
- Are you about to go full officer speech?
- What?
No, of course not.
- It's confirmed we're facing some type
of zombie apocalypse outside.
- Are you sure?
- Try to stay with me, simple Jack,
but judging from our boy here.
Looks like a blow to the head takes them out.
- That sounds like pretty standard zombie rules to me.
- Now, did anybody see any weapons laying around?
- They have some Billy clubs over there
and someone else chained to the bench.
- Billy clubs it is.
What about a vehicle?
- The bar is at least 15 miles from here.
We're better off hitting the pd impound lot.
- Yeah, there's some guns and shit over there too.
- Alright, what's the distance?
- From here?
Two, maybe two and a half miles.
- Ah shit, that's far.
- Aright, let's maintain 360 degrees of security.
Stay tight, we don't need to take it in the rear.
- Like your mom?
- That's what she said.
- It's time to vandanham up.
- Yeah.
- If you speak his name again,
I will slap you and your mothers delicious fucking mouth.
- Somebodies jealous.
- He's right man, I actually kinda like that guy.
- Come on, even his lifetime movie
was fucking awesome.
I can't believed he played himself.
- Hey gene, welcome home.
- Gene, you're alive.
- That fucking guys not.
- They said your entire unit died on the news.
- This my entire unit, right here.
- Oh my god, it's been so hard.
Oh it's really hard
and so big.
- A soldier came home!
A soldier came home!
- The 27 minute sex scene was a bit much.
- I thought it was tasteful.
- I had to jerk off twice.
- The only boner i have right now
is for killing zombies.
You fucking ready?
Let's roll.
- Shit, you alright man?
- I think I'm hurt really bad.
Don't worry about me,
my ranger training will get me through.
- That's the spirit bro,
were you in bat?
- Not anymore, I'm in delta
but I was in 4th battalion.
Just want to get back to men, sarge.
- 4th battalion?
Bro, there's only three.
- I was special force.
I mean...
A top secret!
- Wait, I know this guy.
- What?
- He's not in the military,
he's an air-softer that works at the dmv.
- Fuck stolen valor and fuck the dmv!
- You mother fucker!
Piece of shit.
Bitches get bit.
- Hey guys, get over here.
- What?
- Range 15.
You have to get to range 15.
- What's range 15?
- Let's keep moving and stick together.
Jack, you're already doing a good job of that.
- Yeah.
- Want to get wet?
I haven't turned all the way yet.
- Looks just like a girl i used to fuck in college
- Rocco.
- That's disgusting.
- Alright, alright.
- No.
Is there anyone in there?
We're not infected.
- Move it along, shit necks.
There's nothing here for you.
- Whoa.
- Please just let us in,
we're survivors.
We just killed a shit ton of zombies.
- Oh, did you?
Cool story, so did we.
Look guys, we're just trying to say alive, okay?
We let you and Mexican Jay leno in,
you'll steal all of our ammo.
- Why would you say that?
- Listen, I'm not gonna give a gun to his chin,
if you just let us have a few weapons,
maybe a car, we'll be out of your beautiful hair.
- Wait, are you mat best?
- Every last inch.
- We totally fucked last week.
- Of course you did.
- Sorry, what's up Eli?
- It's Eliza.
- Can we rekindle this romance inside?
- Hang on.
- Oh my god, it's so big it wouldn't even go all the way in.
- Eliza, the beard and that tattoo,
what did I tell you?
- I love douche bags.
- Alright, fine.
We'll open the door.
- Alright, spread those cheeks, I'm going in.
- Hello, this is Robert mcwilliams
with federal resources.
The bureau of civil defense has issued
an national warning.
A disease of unknown origin has spread
to pandemic levels.
There is no information...
- Uh, fellas?
Unlock me.
- Oh shit, Evan, what the hell are you doing
chained up in the police armory?
- Cruised over here to grab some gats,
when these fucking dirty sluts rolled me up.
- This little hipster looking fuck,
wouldn't share any weapons
and I had to cuff him.
- I love the way your mouth speaks.
- What the fuck is that?
- Oh that.
It's what they call the grunt pyle.
- It literally looks like seven men scissoring.
- That's exactly what it is.
- I know I'm stating the obvious here
but you guys are really fucking hot.
Like snap your fingers hot.
- And you're like the 2nd fattest in the group.
Are we good now, bro?
- I guess.
- What's range 15?
- That's where that fucking soldier told us to go.
- It's a fallback point for an ele.
- Wait, are you guys military too?
- Yeah.
I'm ex idf and she's my cousin.
- Wait, your Israeli?
- Yeah, I was like screaming in yiddish the entire time.
- No offense but that happens a lot more than you think.
- A lot more.
- What's an ele?
- Extinction level event, Jack.
- Hey man, I'm really impressed.
- It says it on the map.
- God damn it.
- Well, range 15, that's where we need to go.
- Oh hey, brilliant fucking idea, tactical Tesla.
Here's another one, we need to get weapons,
supplies and we need to check in at the base
to see if it's still intact.
- Thanks, dad.
Prom ended at 11.
- You guys gonna come with us?
- No, we're all set.
We're just gonna ride this out until--
- we save the world?
- You guys?
Yeah right.
- Listen here, oven mitts,
there's thousands of them out there
and as bad ass as you think you are,
you won't be able to hold them off forever.
Boop.
- Jesus could.
- Who is this fucking guy?
- Jesus?
He's our lord and savoir.
He died for our sins.
- Don't mind him.
He was Billy Bob's stand-in in sling blade
but that's completely irrelevant right now.
I'll protect you.
- And I will never fuck you.
We'll go but if shit goes down
we're hiding behind the crimson chin here.
- Hey, what's with all the chintrest?
- That goddamn thing is huge.
It's like do you have to drink with a bendy straw or--
- can we stop playing fuck, fuck, goose,
and just gear up?
- You know what guys?
For once in nicks life, he's actually fucking right.
So wants a sweet fucking gear up montage?
This is really convenient for us.
- I feel like I just blacked out on freedom.
- I feel like I got butt fucked by Francis Scott key.
- Is there any dialogue between you two
that doesn't involve homo sexual undertones?
- Not one single time.
- Just keep your body away from me.
- Holy shit!
Zombies one o'clock.
("What a wonderful world"
- Jack killed everything.
- Jesus.
- Let's go, let's go.
- We should all take camaros.
- Bro, this isn't swingers.
We're not taking 30 cars.
- What do you suggest?
- We can take the whisky truck that they confiscated
the night I got arrested.
- I'll drive.
- You sure you don't want to put your dick in it first?
- If he did, I bet he'd fill it up with--
- premium?
- It's like you're living inside of me!
- Bro, she's never gonna fuck you, alright?
Evan, what the fuck are you doing?
- Taking a piss.
- What happened?
- Fuck!
Fucking ripped my dick off!
- Hey, on scale from shaft to tip,
how much did that fucker get?
- Shut up!
Get over here and help me!
- Come Evan, quit dicking around.
- Fuck you.
- Hey bro, you really got the shaft.
- This is worse than syphilis.
Fuck you!
Just fucking kill me.
- No bro, we're gonna let you turn
and then feed you your own dick,
you cock sucker.
- Fuck you man!
- Hey Evan, there you go
- just fucking kill me.
- Hey no bro, I'm just kidding.
I'll kill you.
- Just like all the others.
- You guys ready?
Let's go.
To the whiskey truck.
- Fuck bro, I need some food.
Killing zombies really works up an appetite.
- Hey man, be careful in there.
Do me a favor, grab your rifle.
- Do you see you where we are?
Pretty sure it's abandoned.
Anyone else?
- Anything that rhymes with beer.
- It's great to see that the zombie fucking apocalypse
hasn't changed you.
Grab me some kill cliff.
- Got it.
- I'll take some goldfish.
- That's a children's snack, you fat fuck.
- I do have a boyish quality about me.
- And it shines through like heavens light on
to all of us.
- Anyone else?
- Seriously man, stay away from the glass.
I don't want you getting yanked through.
- Bro, do you see how fucking big I am?
You know how big a mother fucker would have
to be to fucking pull me through a window?
- Surprisingly, I'm with Nick on this one
because if this was a zombie movie,
you'd be getting ripped through that glass
right about now.
- Mat, this isn't a zombie movie.
- Mother fucker, let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Shit, did you see the size
of that mother fucking zombie?
- Fucking men.
- Are you infected?
Answer me.
- You tell me dude.
Whoa, you gonna shoot me for stealing?
- What?
- That's right, I'm slurpees for free and shit.
What up?
Lights were out, so i came in to get mine.
Know what I'm saying?
- Hey fuck stick, it's the zombie fucking apocalypse.
You can literally take anything in here if you wanted.
- Oh shit, for real?
God it's hot in here.
That's why I stripped down.
Skins a natural coolant, my uncle says.
Level with me bro, shits for real free free?
Cause I kinda feel like I'm being mind tricked here.
- Mother fucker, get the fuck out!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
Hey, doll dick.
You look like Randy quaid with downs syndrome.
- Randy quaid is an American legend.
I loved him in chaddyshack 2!
Why'd you make me do this?
- Hey Rocco, Rocco.
- Shit, if he's a zombie, i get to kill him.
- He's my fucking friend.
- It doesn't matter, I called it.
He's like a 12 point buck.
- Oh my fucking god.
- Jesus tap dancing Christ, what the fuck?
- You guys want to give me a fucking minute?
- For the first time in my life, I have no words.
- Is it weird that I'm kinda in to it?
- You have a doll glued to your cock, Jack.
So no, not really.
- This is some barrack shit.
I'm gonna get some freedom fudge.
- I'll get some with you too, don't tell Heather.
- Who's next?
- Is there supposed to be that much blood?
- I hope so.
- Oh shit yeah, fuck!
- Okay, I'm good.
Time to go, Jack.
- I want one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You ready, zombie fucker?
- What, bro?
That's some bucket list type shit.
- For who, a necrophiliac?
- Oh come on, she didn't look that dead.
- Agreed.
Kidding.
I want you to know I'm a perfect gentleman
and I would never fuck a zombie.
- So what if i turned into a zombie?
Would you fuck me?
- Why, do you want to turn into a zombie
and have sex with me?
- See.
- What I was answering a question with a question.
- This bitch got enough gas to get us to base, you think?
- I hope so man.
I don't think I can handle seeing another zombie get fucked.
- I've seen worse bro, you'll be alright.
Thailand.
- You know, I can't believe you just fucking did that.
- I'm telling you, I found love in a hopeless place.
- Did you seriously just quote a rhianna song
to describe sex with a zombie?
- I feel like I'm her Chris brown, you know?
- You didn't beat her as much.
Terrible euphemism.
- Seriously.
- You know, I'm not ashamed.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
- No, don't drink it!
- What the fuck, bro.
- It's a bad batch.
- He put viper semen in it.
- Well, a scientist did.
- Since is when a scientist part of a distillery?
- You see, my dad's old army buddy
is an amateur scientist,
he's the only one we knew how could distill whiskey.
This was our first batch.
- An amateur scientist?
That would be like using an amateur bomb tech.
That just shouldn't be a thing.
Is that toxic shit even drinkable?
- I'm gonna go with a soft, maybe.
Fuck.
We got trouble up ahead.
- I don't we can get around this shit, man.
- You glorious fucks cover me,
I'll move the Humvee.
- Out of ammo, going to the truck.
- Grab me some mags!
- Who's the punk bitch now?
Where the fuck are the keys?
Fucking humvees shouldn't have keys.
- Oh shit.
- Guys, hold you fire.
- Holy shit.
- Viper semen forever.
- What happened?
- Amateur scientist for the win.
I think we just found ourselves a cure.
- You've got to be shitting me.
- Nope.
- Well, if the colonels still alive,
we gotta get to him asap.
- I can not wait to see the look on his face
when he finds out the cure for the zombie apocalypse
came from you.
- Shit is gonna be good, my friend.
Let's go butt fuck some zombies.
- Get back in your vehicle.
This is a secure government installation
and you cannot walk around here without a pt belt.
- Easy there, high speed.
This is my safety.
- No pt belt, no access buddy.
- Whoa, whoa whoa.
I was just testing you
and you passed.
Now, I don't have any pt belts
but what I do have is some challenge coins.
Huh, huh?
- Is that real?
- Are those real?
- Oh, they're real my friend.
- The fuck outta here.
- There we go.
- Oh man!
- Now, is the colonel here
and more importantly is he alive?
- Yeah he's alive.
He's at the jock.
Can we keep these?
- All yours.
Let's open that gate then, yeah?
- Okay, yeah.
- Oh.
Alright.
- Just kinda.
Kinda put your back into it.
- Does it go that way?
It's a new gate.
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
- What the fuck just happened?
- The army's real weird about pt belts.
- So to keep you safe, they we're going to shoot you?
- Yeah.
- And they didn't because of coins?
- You've got to understand.
Challenge coins are like po kryptonite.
They're defenseless to their power.
- You tell that shit for brains
I want no more excuses.
I want to hit them.
I want to know how many are out there.
I want to know who's on...
What?
What the fuck do we have here?
Mat fucking best.
- Colonel.
- Is that a blow up doll you got glued
to your cock there, son?
- Sort of.
You see, I fell down with my pants unzipped
and I just kinda--
- oh shut the fuck up!
- Alright.
- Now, gentlemen, stand down.
Let me have a moment with this guy alone.
Alright.
- Colonel, it's been a minute.
How you been?
- I'm surprised that you two ass hats are still alive.
- And we found a cure.
- Are you serious?
- Serious as a heart attack, my friend.
- In my office now, Mr. best.
- Got it.
- You stay here, gomer pyle.
- Love what you've done with the place, colonel.
It's very, restoration hardware meets mash.
- Oh, zip your dick!
Now, we found the cure, is about the only words
you could of used to prevent me from putting my foot
in your ass.
- What's with the hostility, sir?
- Really?
You didn't fuck my arm less daughter?
- This is way better than a hand job!
- Daddy?
- What the fuck?
What the fuck?
- Shit!
I am pretty sure I would of remembered that.
- Hey, daddy, do you have the barracks keys?
- Coming in hot.
- What the stump fuck?
- Look at my daughter, sergeant best.
Doesn't ring a bell, still?
- It's nice to see you from the front.
- What is it, Mary?
- That special ops guy is in the mess hall for you.
- Well tell him i still need a minute.
- Okay.
- So, tell me about this cure.
- Why don't you tell me how it happened.
- This isn't fucking clue!
Take shit seriously for once in your life, mat.
A plane crashed coming in from overseas.
We don't know if it was on purpose
or if a passenger unknowingly had the virus and spread it.
The disease spread like herpes in a fort bragg barracks.
Right now, all we need to do is contain it.
Candlestick, library, go.
- Well as crazy as it sounds.
The guys and I have been distilling whiskey
and let's just say we had a bad crate.
- Bad crate of distilled whiskey?
I'm not following.
- It was mixed with viper semen.
- That sounds like a shitty Internet video
or the plot of a bad movie.
- As as ridiculous as it sounds, it's the truth.
One of my guys smashed a zombies head
in with the whiskey bottle and they changed back.
- Where's this whiskey now?
- It's safe in the mess hall.
- With the guy from of mice and men and the chubby one?
- I like to consider it the ranger up and article 15.
- I'll have one of my guys grab it
and take it over to range 15.
- Why don't you just test it here
and distribute it amongst the people?
- Our building was compromised and most of the scientists
were killed.
The remaining ones, we sent over to ranger 15.
- Well then, we'll just take it over to range 15 ourselves.
- Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna leave the fate of the world
to you fuck offs.
- No offense colonel but I trust us
more than I trust your guy.
Our guys are fearless.
- I bet I can fit 14 hot dogs in my mouth.
- I bet I can do 30.
- Why would you want to do that?
- Because we're fearless!
- I prefer my guy.
- And who the fuck is your guy?
- Sergeant major gene vandenham.
Have you heard of him?
- Yeah, I've fucking heard of him.
Fuck gene.
You know all that mother fucker is is the little--
- hero?
Sergeant major gene vandenham is America.
I fucking love that guy.
Everybody loves that guy.
Now, that's the kind man i want to see my daughter with.
Hell, that's the kind of guy everybody wants
to see their daughter with.
You know, i'ma be honest with you.
I've been married for over 38 years now
and if gene vandenham asked me
to take him in my mouth,
I'd honestly consider it.
- God man.
- You and your boys can follow on a convoy behind.
That will be all, sergeant.
- Thanks.
- And keep your dick in your pants.
- I nub you.
- Asshole.
- So what happened?
- He said their scientists are at range 15
and they want fucking gene vandenham
to take the whiskey there
and we get to follow along in a sweet fuck train.
- Fucking bullshit!
That's our whiskey.
- And our viper semen!
- Look Matt, sometimes things can look pretty bleak
but when life gets hard--
- Nick, you promised.
- No officer shit, bro.
- Alright, alright.
Seriously, though.
If gene takes the whiskey, we've got a much better chance
of success.
- And a much better chance that none of us get killed.
- I'm cool with that.
- I would of protected you.
- Oh yeah?
Let's see, go with the world renowned hero
or a guy who shoved 14 hot dogs in his mouth.
- Dude, you dogged 14?
Champion!
- No, that's not a high five moment.
- Every moments a high five moment.
- Oh god.
- You boys have the whiskey?
- Oh yeah.
- Hand it over, son.
- I'm sorry, I just--
- you, you, you, just got lost in my eyes?
Relax, it doesn't make you gay.
It makes you compassionate.
- Oh, you're so right, gene.
- I know.
Release.
There's my fat bottomed girl.
Thanks, guardians of the galaxy,
I'll keep an eye on you in my rear view.
Stay close.
You too, second.
- Fuck did you just call me?
- Seconds.
That's your middle name, isn't it?
- Mat second best.
This is like slam poetry.
Genius
- catch ya on the dark side of the moon,
cheese squeeze.
Keep your ears buttered up while I set fire to the rain.
- What the fuck does that even mean?
- You know what it means?
You don't know where I've been.
Rodney king riots, 1984, I'm driving through the streets
of and the city they call long beach.
When a young African American says to me,
"hey man, you some kind of gi Joe?
Mr. jarhead."
I says so what if I am?
And he says, "well why don't you suck on my dick
and then lick on my balls."
And before he can get that s out,
I squeeze the trig and blew his brains outs.
The next day, the riots were over.
The moral of the story is this,
why don't you walk 168 miles in my shoes
with 16 dead soldiers over your shoulder
before you ask me what the fuck that means.
Good day, fuck faces.
By the way, wear a condom on that dick of yours
if you're eye fuck me on the way out like that.
This is gene's world.
- That guy is such a fucking celebrity cameo.
- Hey man, I don't want to fucking be here.
- Oh.
Hey, Ron Jeremy.
- Your indiegogo campaign went so well
you can actually buy people.
- You're right, you can go dude, thanks.
- Great.
- Gene's kinda legit.
- Gene is a douche bag
and he's treating all of us
like the fucking b team.
I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air.
Let my suck dangle.
- Grab a pic.
I knew before it even came out of my mouth.
- Mat, can I come with you?
I haven't said anything in a while.
- Sure, eunice.
- Happy birthday, Matt James.
- Mat, are you okay?
- I'm fine, Eleanor.
- Eliza.
- Whatever.
I just hate that gene vadendouche.
Everything get's handed over to him
like I'm some incompetent clown dick.
- I don't think your an incompetent clown dick.
I think you're a--
- intense, strong, intelligent,
ripped like a pair of def leppard jeans?
Hear it all the time,
but gene's always stealing the spotlight.
- Well you can have the spotlight.
You can have two.
- Emily, we shouldn't but we're probably going
to anyways so.
- Oh, can you do it in my butt?
I don't want to get pregnant during the zombie apocalypse.
- Kind of hot actually.
Did you eat popcorn?
- Yeah, is it sharp?
- Oh god.
- It smells.
- You got to be fucking kidding me.
- Oh shit.
- We love you, gene.
We love you man!
You see his jawline?
- It's like an angel.
- I have energy, guy gives me energy by his presence.
- I want to drink his piss.
- What?
- Huh?
- Come on, man.
- That dude always wants to be the tip of the spear
but all I see is a giant blue falcon.
- Yeah maybe but he's got an up-armour Humvee.
Not to mention a 50 Cal.
- And no one Manning it.
Fuck that guy.
Guys like that are the reason I got out.
- Shit man, guys like that are the reason dudes enlist.
- What the fuck is this asshole doing now?
- Zombie!
You girls okay?
- Definitely could of killed that guy.
- Sure you could of.
Look here, chap stick, i don't need my asshole waxed.
A simple thank you, your smajesty would suffice.
- Not to happen, gene.
- Smell this fire, smokey the bear.
The colonel just phoned in by satellite.
The zombies are gaining speed.
They could overtake our vehicles if we're not careful.
According to his intel, they're getting close.
- Wait, you have a sat phone in your car?
- I got the 2018 lebronze in there.
They give hand in hand everything.
- Fuck.
- The colonel says there's a helicopter pad
about 26 miles from here that he wants us to get to
so we're not on the road.
Change of plans, change of pants.
- Okay, so you want us to follow behind you?
- Yes, but I'll be on foot.
Can you take the whiskey?
- What the fuck?
- I need you to take the whiskey, dick
and hold it with two hands.
Can you handle that soldier of fortune.
- I've got the whiskey.
- Someone has to protect us.
There's god,
then there's me.
God must be busy.
Lucky for, I don't take Sundays off.
- Bro, that's gonna be my next tattoo.
- I feel like I'm at the alter
and Jesus is packing.
- This is all so fucking stupid.
Why doesn't one of us man the 50 Cal
while you drive?
- For the same reason i baptized myself as a baby.
No one guards gene vandenham but gene vandenham.
Take the whiskey and be grateful
I am who I am.
- Bro, 26 miles is an entire marathon.
- I know, I ran Boston last year
and won 46 full kits setting a new world record.
Try and keep up.
- What the fuck ever, gene.
- Fucking gene vandenham.
- Fucking got it.
- Fucking gene vandenham.
- You all still realize how ridiculously stupid this is?
It has nothing to do with necessity,
just his own glory, right?
- Sure man
but look at that guy.
He's a one man killing machine.
I bet he even nukes those two toddlers over there.
- No gene, don't kill the zombie toddlers!
- Their mission has been aborted!
- Seriously hope he steps on a land mine,
like five of them.
- Go, go, go!
I'll cover you.
- Gene, you're coming with us!
- Negative, no room.
Freedom is calling and I have to answer.
- There is literally an empty seat designated
for you, gene.
- No offense, but there's an empty seat
in every single plane in the United States designated
for me.
Just remember, when you turn back
and see only one set of footprints in the sand.
It was then, that I carried you.
- Wheels up.
Fuck that dude.
Good luck getting out of this one, gene,
you cock tart!
- I got it!
- That is what gene vandenham does.
He is the only American hero.
God damn!
Why are we going to range 15?
That place is probably full of em by now.
- Number one, that's where the scientists are
and we have the cure.
- What's number two?
- Pooping, pooping is number two.
- It's like every time i try and like you,
I just can't.
- There is no number two, grigsby.
If we don't achieve number one, we die.
- Please refrain.
- You know how hard that is?
- Let him say it.
- Come on, dude.
- You're killing his spirit.
- I'm gonna kill his fucking microphone.
- I can't believe it.
We're actually gonna make it.
- You fuck bag, you just jinxed us.
- What?
No I didn't.
- Yeah dude, you did.
- That could give us five seconds, rain man.
- Hey you feeling alright up there, man?
You sure you didn't get bit?
- Yeah I did, right before you guys showed up.
I can feel it growing inside of me.
This is my last mission.
I just have one request,
if any of you make it,
go find my girlfriend, she lives in El Paso.
Tell her I love her.
- Let's be realistic, she's probably dead.
- What?
- I mean, come on,
it's the end of the world
with a bunch of bad asses barely making it.
A hot girl in El Paso?
She's zombie shit by now.
Wait, do zombies shit?
- Rocco, shut the fuck up!
- I'm just being honest.
- He's right.
She's dead and I'm bit.
There's nothing to live for.
Your names jt, right?
Will you hold this?
You're up.
- We literally just told him
we have the fucking cure.
- We're gonna fucking die!
- Fuck me.
- I'll save us.
- You're not gonna save us, fat boy,
you're probably gonna take this whole plane down.
- I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings.
- We're all gonna die because of your fat ass.
You fat, fat, fatty fuck!
I can't even fucking believe how fat you are!
- Hey, I saved us.
- Fuck, fuck the fucking whiskey.
- How many are left?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Two.
- Two, two fucking bottles?
God damn it!
- Shut the fuck, can we get the cure
and keep fucking moving?
I'd rather have us fucking carry it, you know?
- Bro, I got to take a tactical shit dot come.
- Shut the fuck up and let's go.
- We got to get into one of these neighborhoods.
- I want my mommy.
- Salutations, do you guys like jazz?
- You truly cannot really enjoy it
unless it's on vinyl.
- That's right.
- What the fuck?
Fuck this, next house.
- Fuck this.
- Hey wait, wait.
You guys got any supplies we can have?
- I got something that will make your mustache
stand up.
Holy shit.
An anti gun family that decided to off themselves
before they got infected.
- How does that 2nd amendment taste now?
- Everybody hates guns until you have
to choke fuck yourself to death with a hot curling iron.
Touche.
- Hey YouTube, this is chazz and Parker again
and on today's episode,
we're just ticked.
- Ticked, ticked.
You tell em, chazz.
- I'm just gonna unzip my zip here,
whip put my wee wee and piss on these flags.
- There's gonna be 14 stripes when we're done.
- What the fuck is this?
- Oh hell no.
Back the fuck up.
- Baby killers.
- With great vengeance
- and furious anger.
- Hey, are you guys here for the?
- After, we're gonna have an organic paleo kelp quiche.
- No, no, we're good bro.
- Okay, I'll eat all myself.
- I'm gonna keep working out.
- I'll never get fat.
- Hey man, you doing alright?
- Everyone's counting on me for everything.
I'm not their leader.
I'm not a leader, I'm not
and to be completely honest with you dude,
I don't think I can do this shit anymore.
- I know the weight of the world is on your shoulders
right now but it's there for a reason.
Most people quit the second things get hard.
You don't.
The annals of history are written on the backs
of men like you.
Men, who when faced with overwhelming odds,
when they reached their breaking point,
looked into the bowels of hell and smiled.
Men who answered the bell for one more round.
You're one of those men.
We can do this, we can rise up against
the impossible and we can save the world
but we cannot do without you.
We need mat best.
Oh god damn it!
- Got you mother fucker.
- Fuck.
- Great west point speech, bro.
- Fuck off.
- Did you just come up with that shit
on the spot or what?
- It's what we do.
- Alright, bring it in, sister to sister,
mother to daughter.
- You son of...
- You guys do some gay ass shit for being in the military.
- It's Thursday isn't it?
- I fucking hate you.
- It's a love hate relationship, Nick.
- It's a hate hate relationship.
I fucking hate you.
- There she is, boys.
- That's range 15?
- It looks like a power plant.
- That's the point.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Fuck!
Fuck, it won't be long now.
- Don't talk like that bro.
- What the fuck do you want me to say,
that everything's going to be okay?
I'm gonna live happily ever after
and you'll come back and fuck me in some convenience store?
- Dude, she's different, bro.
- You know what?
So am I.
- Come on bro, just take the cure.
- That only leave us when one left.
- So what, they're scientists and shit.
One is all they need.
- Yeah man, you need to take it before it spreads.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah brother, you're changing fast.
We have to administer it, rectally.
- Uh yeah, it's crawling up your leg.
Drinking it won't be fast enough.
- Fuck that, I know you mother fuckers are fucking with me.
- Baby, I don't want to lose you, just take it.
- Bro, I'm the medic man, we got to do this.
- Nick, is this legit?
- I hate to say it man but I don't think
we have a choice right now.
- You mother fuckers better not be fucking with me!
Rocco.
- Brother, you're going to feel a little bit of pressure.
- Holy shit, holy shit, it's fucking working.
It's fucking working.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Why didn't you just drink it, fag?
- Gay!
- Oh so gay, bro.
- Get the fuck out...
Are you fucking kidding.
- You know i love you man.
- Just get the fucking whiskey.
Everyone spread out, let's find a way in.
Anybody got anything?
- Nothing here, bro.
- Nothing man.
- I found something special.
- No, he didn't.
I found fat val kilmer though.
- Jack, you got anything?
- Nothing.
- Sweet, the colonels daughter was easier
to enter than range 15.
- To be fair bro, she had no arms.
- At least my zombie girl had arms.
- There's no way you're comparing the two.
- What are we gonna do about getting in this silo?
- I don't know but you better hurry up real fucking fast.
- Why, Elsie?
- Eliza, they're coming.
- Guys, we don't have the ammo for this.
- Bro, we ain't got the time for this.
- I'll get us the fucking time.
- Hey man, I told you.
There's no ammo in there.
- I'm not looking for ammo.
The most important thing right is getting the whiskey
into the silo.
- Are you sure man?
- The cure is more important
than anyone of our lives, right?
- Jack, you fucking stupid cunt.
Guys found the entrance.
Push the fucking button.
- Everybody, lets get inside, quick.
Fucking idiot.
- I'm sorry.
- Most people don't get
to decide how they go out.
Today I do.
There's a time to run
and a time to fight
and I ain't no bird dog.
- You must be the brave soldiers
that colonel holloway sent.
This is the cure?
- It sure is.
- This is the cure?
What is in this shit?
- Whiskey mixed with viper semen, sir.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, it's actually a funny story.
You see--
- oh, I do love a funny story.
I will try now, I will see if you full of shit.
Which I suspect you are.
Oh you stupid pieces of shit.
Get out!
Don't let the door hit you on the ass.
- The fuck, bro?
I've seen this shit work twice already.
- Would it just kill you guys to pay attention
just once?
- Holy shit, what the fuck just happened?
- I just saved your life.
You see the whiskey is the primary element needed
to cure zombies but it requires an adequate delivery system.
Kill cliff is that delivery system.
It's unique blends of caffeine and vitamins
creates a covalent bond shell with the viper semen,
protects it, while it infiltrates the zombie cells.
I kind of would of that it been obvious.
- You this man is cured.
Kiwi, come here, come here, come here.
- Aye aye, sir.
- Davis, get this to the lab.
Have them replicate it as fast as possible.
- It will be a pleasure and privilege
and to you gentlemen, i say bravo.
- Bravo indeed, kiwi.
- It's hard to be excited.
Oh, that's a whole lot of fucking freedom right there.
- That's a lot of hard dick right there.
- God damn right.
- Mat, you're alive.
- Bro, I thought we lost you.
- Not gonna lie, i thought I was more fucked
than jt on a low carb diet.
But then, the zombie slaying dream team showed up.
- There's only a few pairs of perfect cheekbones
in this world.
It would of been a shame to lose yours.
- Besides, we let you die,
what were chinny chinny bang bang and tactical Randy
gonna do?
- It's been a long couple of days.
- I hate to break up this little dick dance
but fixed wing assets are showing a horde of zombies
heading right this way.
Our doors aren't gonna hold them back.
- Fuck it.
You all wanna get nasty?
- Fuck yeah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, there high speeds,
you're not in proper uniforms.
Oh you're haircut is way out of rank.
Get your hands out of your pockets.
Why is your hand wet?
Is that a dick hanging out?
I went to college, I'm not afraid of running you off--
- smell this.
- Was that your butt hole?
You need to shave.
I expect salutes next time, gentlemen.
Oh shit.
Fuck you guys, I'm gonna save the world all by myself.
Come on, mother fuckers, bring it on.
- Just in case we all die, i want you two to know,
huge fan.
I fucking love you guys.
- Wait, who are these guys?
- They're heroes.
- I'm sorry, heroes of what?
- What the fuck?
- Sorry bout your friend.
- Yeah sorry about your loss and stuff.
Let's all take a moment of silence
for Beatrice's sacrifice.
- It's Eliza!
- Okay, ready to kill some zombies?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna miss you, fucking stupid whore.
You fucking annoying bitch.
God you're so gross.
- I can't stop killing.
- Look up there, on the hill.
- I'll take the girl!
No, no, no.
Bitch.
Not my cucumber, no, no.
- Hey, why don't we just fucking shoot em?
- Go home.
- That was easy.
- Oh fuck, is that Randy couture.
- No, it's zombie couture.
- I've got this.
- Unbelievable, we are here at the sold out range 15 area
and this desert valley is electric.
- Tim, will you stop dicking around,
we don't have any time for--
- shirts?
I know.
- Tim Kennedy versus zombie Randy couture
is a fight that many people wished for
but never thought would actually happen.
- One has to wonder thought how being a zombie
will affect the former champion.
- And that's the question everyone's asking, Mike
Randy couture's always been a very cerebral fighter
but with the lack of a fully functioning frontal lobe,
how will this impact his style?
- I got an idea, let's do this thing.
This fight is brought to you buy north American rescue,
federal resources supply company,
and the xtreme couture gi foundation.
Now, here we go.
- Holy shit, I can't believe this determines
how the fucking world ends!
Really fucked up, like really fucked up.
- Kennedy appears to have really been working
on his stand up game, Brian.
He looks very alive out there.
- I see what you did there, Mike.
- He's rocked, Brian.
Kennedy could lose here and life as we know it
could end.
- Hey, never count out a Greg Jackson trained fighter.
Tim Kennedy was born to be underneath other men.
- Hurry this up, Tim, I'm hungry.
I want snacks!
- Fuck him up, fuck him up.
Fuck him, fuck him, put it in!
Yeah.
- He's got the kimura, Brian.
But, it doesn't really fucking matter
because he's a zombie.
- Got to admire the toughness of zombie couture
and you really have to hand it to Tim Kennedy here.
He's keeping Randy at arm's length.
- I got my arm pulled off too.
Rip off the other one!
- Kennedy shoots and he lands the take down.
Oh Kennedy's locked in the rear naked choke.
That's in deep, Brian.
- But hey, couture won't tap.
Whoa, it as all over.
Great heads up move by Tim Kennedy
to win that fight and save our asses.
- Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
Fucking ruin his credit score.
- That's some bad ass shit, Tim.
Wait, why the fuck did we leave our guns back there?
- How else are we gonna have a final epic battle?
- Wait, epic battle?
I am so tired of you guys smashing your dicks together.
Fuck this.
- Just when you thought the night couldn't
get any more intense, it's Danny trejo's zombie.
- Who the fuck saw this coming.
- That's all me.
- Over my dead body.
- You know, Mike, Danny trejo was the San Quentin
boxing champion for five years
in two different weight classes.
However, one has to wonder what a voracious appetite
for human flesh and an inability
to feel pain will do for his skill set.
- Looks once again like we're about to find out.
- I got this!
- Tom is making a classical mistake here, Mike,
in that he really doesn't know that the fuck he's doing.
Danny trejo is a certified bad ass
who now has supernatural powers.
- He's a little fuck, isn't he?
- Good initiative, bad judgment.
- Who's the mother fucking hero now?
- Man, jumping on dud doesn't meant shit.
Mother fucker!
- He's hurt, Brian.
- Now put a cat tourniquet on this.
Come on, hurry the fuck up.
- I'm trying, quit squirting.
- I got this.
- Mike, it looks like they're gonna
go with the team approach now.
In the military, we call this an envelopment,
where you surround the enemy and force him
to fight you on multiple directions.
Or, they're just gonna go at him one by one.
Like fucking morons.
- Straight shot to the wedding tackle,
Brian, it's all over.
- And then he popped his favorite sex doll.
Trejo remains cold as ice.
- Careful, guys.
- I'm big as fuck bro, he can't hurt me.
- Wow, Mike, he just chopped him down
like a wet pine tree.
Is it me or did you think he'd have a better chin?
- Well, I think he would of had a better chin.
We're down to two and he's taunting them.
Trejo is really a next level zombie.
- Yeah, I hate to say it,
cause it likely means the end of the world,
but he's just at a different zombie level right now.
- Eeeny, meany, meenie, moe!
- Looks like zombie trejo's identified
his next victim, Mike.
- Wow, that was just bad.
- He's air force, Mike.
- And we're down to one.
Looks like Nick is rushing trejo.
Well that worked out great for, tom.
He's teeing off, he won't remember this.
- Like a goat at an Isis convention, Mike,
he's fucked.
- What are we doing?
- We have to get to a place of observation.
- Here comes the fatal bite.
Saved by Kennedy.
I'm worried here, Mike.
Tim is still exhausted from zombie couture.
- Now, lets not count Kennedy out yet.
As a special forces operator,
he's been in worse spots then this.
- I'm pretty sure that's not true.
- Trejo!
- Now what just one minute.
- Mat is still up.
- This guys kinda growing on me, Brian.
- Like e coli on pig carcass, Mike.
- Thanks man.
- I owed you for earlier.
It's a fucked up day.
- I loved him in machete.
- Blue leader six, this is striker 3-1.
Give me some nam cans on the remainders.
Get it out to me, Sandy, I'd do it for you!
- We did it.
We saved America.
- America sure is beautiful, isn't she?
- How beautiful?
- I want to see every single one of you mother fuckers
in the hallway, right now!
- Morning, colonel.
- At ease, you son of a bitch.
I can't believe you did it.
- I can't believe you doubted the team.
- That's just as well.
The president will be coming in at 0900 hours
to address the nation.
He wants you front and center with him on stage
as he makes his speech.
You're a hero.
- Sorry sir, but I'm not going up on that podium
without the team.
We did this together.
- Selfless, I like that.
You and your entire team can be on stage
for the big moment.
You guys did a great thing for your country.
It's only right you should all be there.
- Thank you, colonel.
- No, thank you.
You're finally living up to your potential, mat.
And I was wrong about you.
You guys have a couple of hours
to go in and get something to eat
and if you want to be on stage,
I suggest you figure out a way to get that doll
of your cock, son.
- Sir, one more thing.
Did you just decide not to shave this morning or?
- It's the end of the world, fuck you.
- I'm sure the scientists have something
to take your doll of your dick, dude.
- What if I don't want it off?
- What, what do you mean?
- There is no glue.
It's just velcro.
Tanisha, she's more than a rubber fuck puppet to me.
She's therapy.
She's my security blanket.
My best friend.
She's the only person I know
that I can really open up to.
I mean really open up to.
She doesn't judge me, she just listens.
- I had no idea man.
- Everybody thought i went to Wal-Mart
to get some sort of epoxy remover
to get her off my Johnson
but the truth is, I just wanted to take her out on a date.
I love you, brother.
- Love you too man
but I'm gonna need you to get your dick off of me.
- Alright, let me get a little fresh air exposed
to it for a minute.
- Why don't you take a couple
and go regroup yourself, right?
Thanks, bro.
- I gotta bounce, bro.
- The president is on his way here right now.
- Yeah, but I have some stuff I got
to take care of bro.
- Shit bigger than the president?
- Yeah.
Sorry, bro.
Gotta go.
- Are you hungry dude?
- Yeah man.
Let's go get some food.
You guys want anything?
- Yeah, we'll be there in a minute.
- Alright.
- Crazy couple of days, huh?
- Yeah, I'm exhausted.
- So, I was thinking,
maybe after this whole thing blows over,
you and I can like get away or something.
- Yeah, fuck it.
Let's do...
You broke me down.
Let's do it.
Let's go to sandals Jamaica.
We just lay in bed and order room service
for fuel to fuck each others brains out
all day, all night, is that what you want?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, you lose a little bit of weight,
get yourself down to a cool 185,
I'll make that happen.
Deal?
- Oh yes, deal.
- Great.
You want some food?
There's a truckload of freedom fudge outside.
- Well, I probably shouldn't.
Technically I haven't slept so it's still my cheat day.
- Yeah of course, sure.
- In a few moments, the president
will speak live about the military containment
of the mysterious virus that has plagued
the United States and neighboring countries
in north and south America for the last three days.
It is believed that one of them is responsible
for saving man kind.
- My fellow Americans, as you are all painfully aware,
the last few days since the crash of an aircraft
carrying an unknown virus, have been full of sorrow,
heartache, and deep despair.
We lost nearly half of our population in the outbreak
and that's a loss...
- Holy shit, Marcus you made it?
- Damn right.
I'm Marcus luttrell, fucking live forever.
- Can't you seals just let us have one fucking movie?
- Absolutely not.
- I hate to single out individuals
but there is one man who's courage,
who's actions, who's tenacity stood head
and shoulders above all others.
This is a man who truly understands the concept
of country before self.
- It's fucking you man.
- It's fucking us.
- He saved our way of life,
he saved America.
Ladies and gentleman,
sergeant major gene vandenham.
- I want to you know, you're still 2nd best in my eyes.
I'm proud of the man you might become one day.
- You know when I saw that video of gene
taken from one of our space satellites,
I just knew that we would have to give him yet another
medal of honor.
Well done, gene.
What marvelous images, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse,
gene get's this incredible video.
He took the crew and the camera and shot it himself.
- Also, there's a promotional video
that's gonna be out of me killing zombies,
in about 13 days it's gonna be $69.99,
that's eight easy installments.
- Lots of people wonder what they would
do if the world is ending.
Our story might not be normal
but I learned some important life lessons.
Tim Kennedy's abs are to die for.
That was pun for you, the audience.
Also, jt will never get laid
and killing zombies was actually pretty easy.
Thanks global war on terror.
And most importantly, love is the most powerful emotion
and Rocco, well he found love in a hopeless place.
- God damn, mat.
Wake the fuck up.
Your phone's been ringing all fucking morning.
- What?
Oh my god.
- What the fuck was that?
- You would think saving the fucking world
would let you keep your job
but I'm fired, again.
- If you want, I can always get you a job
as a janitor at the all girls college I work at.
- Why didn't we think of that before?
- Consider it done.