♪ I understand♪
♪ Ladies, they love me They know me ♪
♪ 'Cause I am the man♪
♪ I-I-I know it's hard ♪
♪ For you to comprehend♪
♪ I under-- I under-- I understand♪
♪ I got the mojo Ladies, they wanna Hop on it like pogo♪
♪ Haters act Like they don't know But they know though♪
♪ Life is a dance And this is my solo, uh♪
♪ Ladies, they love me They know me 'Cause I am the man♪
♪ I understand♪
♪ I understand I understand♪
♪ I am the man I am the man♪
♪ I understand♪
-[knock on the door] -[door opening]
[woman] Morning, bug. You ready?
Let's get this show on the road.
-Give me a couple minutes, Mom? -Not today. You got early therapy.
-[man sighs] -Alrighty, here we go.
That's one, two, buckle my bug.
[Mom] And I don't know how many times we can go through recycling.
You gotta break down your boxes.
You have to break down your boxes, you know?
And also, the recycling, it's ridiculous.
-Can you go around just for today? -I gotta get you clean.
-It's perfectly normal. -You're right, Ma.
Twenty-four years old, you're washing my balls. It's perfectly normal.
It just seems very, very rude. I mean, I don't know how many times
you can email and text and call.
You know, I just can't, I can't go to everything.
I actually don't like to go to the public movie theaters
because you don't know about bedbugs and stuff like that.
I don't have to listen to any rude teenagers or people talking to the screen.
And you know how sometimes when people say something funny during the trailer,
and then they start really feeling their oats, and they just keep it going,
you know what I mean? They should just quit while they're ahead,
but they just keep on yapping. Careful.
-[Mo] Hey. -[bus driver] Hey, Mo.
You have lovely hair.
[man] Thanks, man.
Ah!
-Good morning, Mo. -Hey, Sarah, how's it going?
-Pretty good. How are you? -Good.
Uhm, hey, did you do this new schedule?
-I did. -Oh, you accidentally put the new guy with Becky.
-Wasn't an accident. -Mo, Scotty's going to freak out.
Yeah, well, he led me into the ladies' room at the movie theaters is why.
No. Were there other people in there?
Not at first, but then I guess some big movie let out,
the women just kept on coming and coming and coming, so I just stayed in there.
Then I guess another movie let out. It must have been 45 minutes.
I went to the bathroom two times.
-This is revenge. -Oh.
-Hey, Scotty. -Hi.
Hey, is that Scotty? What's up, buddy?
-Who the hell's Matt? -Mo did the schedule.
Mo, you blind douche fuck!
Is this about the ladies' room? That was a joke.
Uhm, this is funnier.
Hey, I'm Matt Kwong. I'm a new patient.
[Sarah] Oh, welcome. Just sign in right here.
You're gonna be with Becky in room one, just right over there.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hi.
[music playing]
♪ I understand I understand♪
♪ I am the man I am the man♪
♪ I understand♪
[man] Scotty. Morning.
What's the matter?
[man] Look alive, boys!
-All right, asshole, we're even. -[Mo laughs]
Uh, look at the bright side.
At least with Renaldo, you don't pitch a tent during therapy.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
When Becky was stretching you out last week, Ronnie walked by,
-said you were sporting a full-on panhandle. -That cocksucker.
[Scotty] Come on, let's see what you got, let's see what you got.
-[Mo] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! -[Scotty] Come on, Rick!
Steal second.
-Do you know what you're saying? -Nah, not really.
-[laughs] Not at all. -[Mo laughs]
-Oh, you fucking kidding me? -What's going on?
-[Scotty] Oh, my God. -[Mo] What?
-[Scotty] I can't believe this guy. -Wait, where are you going?
Hey, yo, Biceps.
Just so we're clear, there's a pecking order around here.
The very top, me. Down at the very bottom, you.
Becky's my physical therapist. You get the hairy Spaniard.
I don't make the schedule, guy.
-Yo, yo, what are you doing? -Say it! Becky's mine.
-What is wrong with you, man? -Say it.
Yeah, yeah, Becky's yours.
-Shit. -That's a grandma chair, by the way.
You look fucking ridiculous out here. Get yourself a new chair.
-[people cheering] -[Mo] What's happening? Here we go.
[Mo] He gonna make it?
[people cheering]
-Great job. -Thanks, baby.
Yeah.
[man] What are you looking at?
Sorry, man. no offense. Just...
damn. Good for you.
[sighs] You got it bad, huh?
-For what? -Blue balls.
Shit, man, try fossilized.
Yeah.
I got something for you.
Here, take this.
What is this?
The answer to your prayers.
You'll thank me later.
You will.
All right.
Bonjour. My name is Philippe. I am physically disabled.
For many years, I struggled with sexual encounters.
It was really getting me down, until I met a beautiful professional like this one.
And then I decided to open my own brothel to help people like you.
Welcome to Le Chateau Paradis.
Come as you are.
[knock on the door]
-Good night, Mom. -Good night, bug. I love you.
[sighs] See you next week, gorgeous.
-Stay out of trouble, killer. -Oh, don't you tell me what to do.
Yo, Biceps. Hey, about last time, I'm sorry. I was having an off day.
Yeah, don't sweat it.
-Matt, right? -Yeah.
I'm Scotty. Let me buy you a beer to make up for it.
-Nah, I got my mom with me. -Yeah, me too. We'll sit by ourselves.
It's important. I wanna talk to you about something.
-You wanna-- move over. -Yeah.
-You go first. -Yep.
I was always a straight-C student. And that's a gentleman's C,
that's a gentleman C, I was always a terrible, terrible student.
Actually, on my SATs, my math SAT...
-Forget them, cheers. -Cheers.
Mm-hmm. Ah, that's nice.
-So, what happened to you? -Wow, you don't beat around the bush.
What's the point? You know that's what everybody's wondering anyway.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's usually a pretty good story.
I never said I was ashamed of it.
-Don't you wanna know why I am in this chair? -No.
Congenital defect, baby. I was born this way.
-My joints are for shit. -What did you wanna talk to me about?
Your sex life.
Uh-huh.
Come on, man. What would you rather talk about, interest rates?
-You're a virgin, right? -Uh-- Wow, just--
That's a yes. Tell me your junk still works 'cause that would be a serious bummer.
No, it works. It's just a little--
less predictable at times, if you know what I mean.
-Do I know what you mean? -Bro, I live what you mean. Sip.
Oh.
-What's it to you? -Well, besides my mouth,
about the only other thing that works on my body is my cock.
And I may be a cripple, but I can still feel everything and I got motherfucking needs,
you know what I mean?
Anyway, what if I told you there was a place for guys like us to get seriously laid?
Don't look at me like I'm a perv. We're in the same boat, dude.
I'm just honest about it.
Now the place is up in Montreal.
I checked out the website, LeChateauParadis.ca.
'Cause you know, Canada.
And let me tell you, man, the chicks are spectacular.
Why are you telling me all this?
Me and this blind dude, Mo, from the clinic, are gonna go,
but we need one more guy to split the cost of the van.
What, you're gonna drive there?
I priced the whole thing out with a nurse driver.
The van fits three passengers, plus chairs and gear.
We tell our parents we're going up to the Great Lakes or some shit,
and instead we do a border run for a few days of getting our knobs polished
by French-Canadian goddesses. Sip.
-So, what do you say? Are you in or are you in? -I'm definitely out.
-Did you hear the part about getting your knob polished? -Mm-hmm.
Thanks for the offer, but as much as it may surprise you,
-I have a girlfriend. -Seriously?
Yeah. Good luck on your trip.
-Take pictures. -She hot? Does she have cute friends?
Wait, come on man, we could double date. Help a brother out.
Shit.
[girl laughing]
So, you're gonna make a wish when this falls off or something?
Wanna guess what I'm gonna wish for?
Uhm, that--
[girl] Matt.
-I thought you had a final. -I got out early.
Uh, this is Bobby.
-We have Bio together. -We were just studying.
I-I didn't realize you, uh--
Uhm--
You didn't realize what?
-Uh-- -That, uh--
Uh, uh--
Yeah, oh, you didn't realize that she had a boyfriend. That's what you're getting at.
No, I mean, she talks about you all the time.
Oh.
Is that right?
I should get to class. I'll call you later.
For the exam, I mean.
Sure, hope it's a speech class.
-We were just studying. -No, don't insult me.
Please.
You know, I gave you an out
-when this all started. -I didn't want out, Matt.
I had options too, you know.
But I waited for you.
I have to start thinking about my future.
Bonjour. My name is Philippe.
-Jamie, can't you knock? -Mom says dinner in five minutes.
-Nice pictures by the way. -Out.
What do you guys think about...
me going on a road trip with some guys up north,
maybe around the Great Lakes?
Well, it seems hardly like a good time, Matty,
with everything that's going on.
Well, I mean, that's exactly why I wanna go.
It seems like I'm doing nothing
but going to doctors and therapy.
We're going up to Grandma's for a long weekend next month.
You could invite Jennifer.
[sighs]
I asked to go on a road trip with some guys,
and you counter with a weekend at Grandma's.
Well, we're gonna have to say no on this one, Matty.
I'm sorry.
[pants]
[grunts]
[music playing]
♪ Half man and half machine♪
♪ Not talking about the chair But what's in between My legs♪
♪ Girl, take your time You don't need to be quick♪
♪ Come and get your some Of this quadriplegic♪
-What the fuck? -You have a visitor.
What's up?
I like these ferns.
Yeah, they're, uh--
-Yeah, they're, you know. -Listen, I've been thinking about your idea.
My parents say it's a no-go.
Now that our moms talk, if we were to do this,
-it has to be totally black ops, you follow? -I think so, yeah.
It means your mom can't help you pack,
she can't help you pay for it.
Okay, might need a cheaper driver.
I've been saving up some money for an iPad comm system,
but fucking honeys come first.
I say we go sooner, like next week.
Whoa. Why the rush?
You-- you never know.
I mean, if we're gonna do this, let's do it.
Okay. What about your girlfriend?
Just get Mo over here. Let's start planning.
-Mo? -Yeah, Mo.
Your friend Mo. You said he was down, right?
Mo, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, he's down.
He's probably most likely down.
What do you mean?
I haven't exactly asked him yet.
-You haven't asked him yet?! -Shh! Keep it down.
I was worried if there were too many variables, you'd say no.
Then if you said yes, I'd have time to work on Mo.
Now all of a sudden, you're in a big fucking hurry,
and I don't have everything worked out just yet. But it's fine.
I'll get Mo on the horn, just convince him to go.
-[sighs] -Hey, look at me, trust me. I can handle Mo.
[whispering] A brothel in Quebec? What are you-- no way!
Could you take your tampon out for half a goddamn minute
while we tell you the details at least?
Let me tell you a little something about Canada.
Fact: The Canadian government has been cracking down
on erotic massage parlors since 2014.
Fact: Arrested sex workers have tripled in the last two years.
Fact: It's only illegal to buy sexual services. You can still make donations.
I looked this up too. And fact: When's the last time you got laid, Mo?
-Oh, that's right, never. -Oh, well unlike you Scotty,
that's not all I ever think about. What I do think about is logistics.
Do you know this would take months, months of planning?
-Of course, you don't know that. -Me and Biceps have planned the whole route.
-I fucking hate that name. -We got hotel rooms booked at every stop.
-What? No! -We budgeted all the meals. Why are you undermining me?
You are making us look fucking weak right now.
-Shut the fuck up! -Look, Mo, Mo, look, listen.
Part of the fun is that this is spontaneous, okay?
When's the last time you did something kind of crazy?
Yeah, look, here's the thing. I don't do spontaneous things. That's not my thing.
I don't even know why you need me.
The van fits three, but only two wheelchairs,
and I don't happen to know any other disabled virgins
with working legs and enough cash.
You know what? Nice meeting you, Muscles.
-Go fuck yourself, Scotty. -Wow.
-You are horrible at this. -No, no, you know what?
You're a fucking mule. You're so stubborn.
You gotta know when you lost somebody. He's out.
I'll put an ad out on Craigslist or something.
-Let's go. -Yeah, do a Craigslist ad.
-Virgins looking for more virgins. -I don't even want you to come.
-We're gonna have a great time. Go fuck yourself. -Great sales pitch,
and then now you're getting on Craigslist.
Mo, Mo, let me talk to you for a second.
It's like he went to business school. Guy just knows what he's doing.
-Fucking prick. -First of all, my sincerest apologies.
How you are friends with that guy is totally beyond me.
Okay, look, all that stuff about the brothel, about the getting laid,
all that stuff, that's Scotty, okay?
That's not me. What I'm proposing--
What we're proposing is a trip away from Littleton.
Okay? With just us guys, away from parents, from the clinics, from the doc--
It's just, I don't know about you,
okay, but I--
I need to get out.
I could use a field trip.
It's like a--
It's like a road trip.
Promise you won't do anything illegal?
Did I get to him?
[door opening]
Damn it, Jamie. How many times do I have to tell you?
Hey, hey.
What's wrong?
I don't wanna fight with you anymore.
Hey, can I ask you something?
It's gotta be a secret though.
You can't tell Mom and Dad.
[grunts] Fuck.
Yo, sent you the itinerary.
Print it out, read the file, leave no trace.
Found us a cheaper driver. His name is Sam.
Van looks like shit, but the price is right.
Make sure he has a valid passport.
We don't wanna any snafus at the border.
What's a snafu?
-What about this one? -Are you kidding? That's ugly.
What does that-- Jamaica. It says Jamaica. What am I gonna do with Jamaica?
-I can't read your fucking shirt, Scotty. -That's true. Put it in the bag.
[phone ringing]
-Yup. -Operation Copulation is a go.
We're not calling it that. See you at six.
I know it seems silly, but I'd like to think I'm watching it in a wry eye,
with an ironic eye, not earnestly.
Here, not earnestly watch. I'm so sorry. Here.
Oh, he did not give her a rose. You gotta be shitting me.
Goddamn it, Mom! How hard is it to aim for my mouth?
I'm sorry! But did you see who he kept? Total bitch, total bitch.
I'm sorry! I'm just compelled to watch shows I hate.
-I'll eat tomorrow, I guess. -Come back. Come on.
-[knock on the door] -Hey, bug, you can't sleep in your chair.
Leave me alone.
-Set alarm for five a.m. -[phone] Sorry, I'm not sure I understand.
-Set alarm for five a.m. -I set an alarm for five a.m.
Okay.
Light off.
[alarm beeping]
[grunts]
-Seriously? -To remind you of me.
Fuck.
-Matt? -Yeah. Where's-- where's Scotty?
I don't know, man. He's late.
This is a horrible idea.
He's not reliable. I'll tell you that much.
You think it ends here? Big shocker, huh?
I'm worried. If he's gonna be tardy all over the place,
-it's probably messed-- -Shit.
What?
I guess Sam's a woman?
-[Mo] Sam the driver? -[Matt] Sam the driver is a woman.
We can't do this with a woman. I'm not going to a brothel with a woman.
Well, it's too late to cancel.
[Mo] I can't do this with a woman. I can't go to a brothel with a woman.
You know what? Everything's messed up here.
-Scotty's not here, we got a woman for a driver-- -Shh. Hi, Sam.
-Hey, is that Sam? Hey. -Thank you.
Looking forward to our trip together. I'm Mo, this--
-She's friendly. -Yeah, she's chill.
-Yeah, all the signs are real positive. -Yeah, let's go, let's go.
-Yeah, we're off to a great start. -Hey, Sam?
[Matt] We need one extra stop, please.
Fuck!
[grunts]
Come on. Come on. Come on!
[Matt] Right here on the right. Just pull up to the curb.
[Mo] I told him to set two alarms.
He's got no respect for other people's time.
I told him we're on a schedule. Do not be late. Be early.
Fuck!
It was his plan. But he doesn't care. He doesn't have respect.
-Yo, if he chickened out, we have to pay for it. -I'm not paying for it.
There he is.
-[Mo] Where have you been? -Grab my pouch, on the ground.
Who the hell are you? Matt.
-Yeah, just get in. -Who the hell is she?
-[Mo] I told you to set two alarms. -I thought we had a guy driver.
-I told you we're on a tight schedule. -You're ramming me.
-I'm not ramming you. Get back. -[Mo] You have no respect for anyone else's time.
-Shut up! I had a thing. -[Mo] You're the most unreliable person I've ever met in my life.
-[Matt] What's with you ramming into me all the time? -[Scotty] Just move back.
[Matt] Just hold on. I'm just gonna walk.
Whoo! [laughs]
-Whoo! -Whoo!
-Road trip! -Field trip!
Road trip! Road trip.
Scotty.
[phone ringing]
-Ah, shit, it's my parents. -What?
-It's my parents. -Take mine out, will you?
-Wait, what happened? -Where is it?
It's in the pouch.
-Dude, it's your mom too. -Shit. Toss it.
-What? -Seriously, toss it out the window. They can track us.
It's the cost of freedom. Do it.
-Mo, you too. -Did he just throw his phone out?
-[Scotty] Mo, do it! -I'm not throwing my phone out!
-[Matt] Mo, throw it. -[Scotty] Mo, throw your phone out!
-My mom knows you. She knows your mom. -It's a brand-new phone, man!
-You know-- Fine! -[Scotty] Do it!
What was that?
It's my sim card. I threw out my sim card.
-Fuck, that's a better idea. -[Mo] So stupid.
-Okay. -What's happening? Why are we stopping?
-Hey. -What the fuck is going on here?
We're taking a trip. The rest is none of your business.
-Who is this chick, dude? -None of my business?
You know what? It actually is my business if you're not supposed to go.
Hey, we're all adults here, sweetheart.
What, just because I'm in a chair means I can't make a decision for myself?
-I'm sorry. Who the fuck is sweetheart? -Scotty.
No, no, no. I wanna hear what she has to say.
Go on, sweetheart, what are you gonna say?
Okay, great, so I'm sweetheart. Let me tell you something, okay?
You call me sweetheart one more time, I'm gonna bust you in your fucking face.
And I don't give a shit about your bitch-ass chair.
Huh? Huh?
All right, no, that's cool because I'm gonna refund half of y'all goddamn money
because I don't need none of this bullshit.
I'm gonna drop y'all back and go about my goddamn business.
[Mo] No, no, Sam, Sam, I'm sorry. Please, just listen to me for a second.
I'm so sorry about Scotty. Forget him, okay?
Look, how about this?
How about to make up for the stress of this departure,
we give you a little extra money,
as long as you agree to maybe keep moving forward?
And why the secrecy?
Look.
Our parents are very good people, but...
You know, they don't really--
They can be a little overbearing.
I'm thirty-five years old, Sam.
I've never been on a trip without my mom, much less a real field trip.
And honestly, if it was up to my mom, I don't know that I ever would.
Please, I need this, Sam.
Am I gonna get any more bullshit from sweetheart back there?
-Oh, I'm sweetheart now? -Yes.
-So, sweetheart, you gonna be a problem? -Scotty.
-I'm good. -Fucking better be.
Jamie, pumpkin, this is not a joke.
Your brother's in no condition to be traveling. Now where did they go?
-I'll take your bike away for a month. -Honey, please answer us.
-And your American Girl dolls. -Matty may need our help right now, sweetie.
-And your phone. -What?
Okay, fine. They went up north. That's all I know.
[phone ringing]
-Hello? -Roger, it's Liz.
I know where they're staying tonight.
♪ I stepped in this bitch Like where's my damn crown♪
♪ Never talk back, bitch I'm the king now♪
♪ If you can't Back the shit talk Calm your ass down♪
♪ Can't take this shit talk Calm your ass down♪
♪ Hella sarcastic crass And ass backwards♪
♪ You can get your ass kicked Please don't get dramatic♪
♪ Motherfuck the whole earth Make the ho climactic♪
[Sam] All right, guys.
All right, who's paying?
I'll get this one.
Thank you.
Don't buy any food because packed sandwiches for lunch.
Okay, but I'm gonna buy some vacation candy. Do you want some?
I can't do sweets, but have them put forty on pump three.
All right, it's your vacation.
Hey, yo, Mo, you going in? Score me a nudie mag, dude.
What? No, no.
-Goddamn it, Mo! -No, man, I wouldn't even know which one it is, okay?
Top shelf on the magazine rack, covered in plastic.
-I'm not picky. Grab whichever one you want. -[sighs]
[Mo] What's up?
[Scotty keeps singing]
♪ Now I don't need Distractions♪
♪ Semiautomatic There's bullet holes In my alley♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling my stuff And I got room For much more bragging♪
♪ Hey, I seen a honey last year Money bag it♪
♪ Nah, they be on my dick Gotta make her beg Bfore she can have it♪
♪ My people win regardless Got great to start from starving♪
♪ I sold a million seats Now I'm just waiting for that harvest♪
♪ I been climbing You don't know how long It took me so now♪
♪ I'm gonna have to grab The whole world by the pussy♪
I need you to stop. Forever.
Mo, you fucking moron. A bridal magazine?
-It's a bridal magazine? -What the hell am I supposed to do with a--
Actually, I can make this work.
You guys, go get yourselves some dinner. I'm gonna check us in.
But first I'm gonna need my per diem.
I got gas.
-[Scotty] I got it. In my pouch. -Okay.
Now we agreed on 50,
but we also agreed that I would be getting extra
for dealing with all that bullshit I dealt with earlier.
Great. I will take the hundred.
Put it right in the bank.
Have a nice dinner.
I really believe I would be just as much a virgin
-even if I could see perfectly. -No, I hundred percent agree with you.
20/20 vision, I'd still have zero sex.
You know what? A toast. Can we make a toast right now?
-Yes, we can. -It's just who I am.
-Hey, I'm making a toast. -We're making a toast.
We're making a toast. Drinks up.
To our road trip.
No, no, no, our-- To our pilgrimage.
And to the bevy of beauties awaiting us at Le Chateau Paradis.
Or paradise in French, right?
-It means heaven. -It's heaven. It means heaven.
-What does? -Paradis, heaven.
Whatever, man. Mo, it's my toast, and I'm saying--
-It's an inaccurate toast. -For the sake of this-- you know what?
I wish you were mute instead of blind.
Guys, guys, guys, come on, come on. Come on now.
-Okay, okay, but most importantly-- -Yeah.
to our boners.
Scotty, shh.
I'm having a moment. Can I have it?
You guys never let me have a moment.
You're always interrupting me and cutting me off.
You can have your moment. You can have your moment.
Can we just drink the fucking beer, man?
-Indoor voice, man. -Okay, fine, indoor.
Shh, okay, okay, okay. All right, quiet.
To our boners!
For though our sight may have faltered, our legs given out,
our joints railed against us,
our cocks stand strong and ready to serve us
-in the pursuit of life and liberty-- -Let's wrap it up.
and the chase of the inevitable hoo-hoo,
the ineffable hoo-hoo,
to old one-eye, may he stand tall-- go ahead, get ready to cheer.
may he stand tall-- I'm almost done-- and do us proud.
-Huh? Yeah. -We're sorry.
We're not sorry.
-I'm so glad I can't see this. -None of us is sorry. Eat your food.
Okay. What do you wanna sleep in?
Oh, I free-ball. I like letting my boys breathe.
-Got sweats in my bag. -Sweats in your bag, okay.
-Hey, quick game before lights out? -Yeah, sure.
-You okay? -Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I just got a little bit dizzy.
Happens when I drop chaff for the ladies.
-Sam? -What?
Sam? Holy shit! Sam!
-[Matt] What's going on? -Sam!
-Check her pulse. Is she dead? -[Mo] What's happening?
-Sam. Shit. -No, she just passed out.
Mo, call 911, call 911.
Uh, well, don't just sit there. Give her CPR or something!
You don't give CPR to someone who's breathing, dipshit.
-I don't know! -Mo, Mo, I'll handle it. Just help her out.
-[Scotty] Easy, watch her head, watch her head. -Oh fuck! She's--
[Mo] Sam.
Those are her tits! What are you doing?
You told me to help, I'm trying to help!
Well, don't cop a feel! Jesus!
Hi. Um, uh, I need an ambulance in room 103, please.
-Now you're smothering her. -Shut the fuck up.
-[Mo] Her heart's racing. -That's probably you.
[siren wails]
[doctor] She has acute hypoglycemia. She's diabetic.
She'll be fine, but we're gonna take her in as a precaution.
You guys okay without her?
Yeah. Yeah, we'll be okay. Um, when will she be back?
We'll probably keep her overnight. She'll be back in the morning.
Thank you.
-[sighs] -[siren wails]
Relax, it's over. Everyone lived.
What if she's not okay, man? What if she doesn't come back?
We're not stranded in the wilderness. We're in a two-star motel.
I guarantee you they have porn on these TVs.
We can take care of each other for one night, help each other out, yeah?
Yes! Unlimited adult content, 12.99.
Don't waste our money on that, please.
-[Mo] I'm not watching that with you. -God, I wish I could jerk off.
-You have no idea how lucky you are. -Ah, shit!
Sam has the room keys.
I have these car keys though. That's useful.
-I'm gonna go down to the lobby. -[Scotty] I'm ordering the porn!
Mo, grab the remote.
Mo? Hey, Mo, you know what'll make you feel better?
Unlimited adult content, 12.99.
Mo, are you crying?
Scotty. [clears throat]
I'm gonna take that remote,
and I'm gonna beat your dick with it.
Here you go.
And don't forget to fill out that survey that we sent you
with the email confirmation.
You can get a free TV dinner
from the vending machine.
-Okay, thanks. -No problem.
Hey, when did you send the email?
Uh, you should have got it this morning.
We just sent it to the email we had on file.
What's the squishy sound?
It's lube mixed with pu--
She brought lube?
Scotty, does your mom have access to your email?
Yeah, but I deleted everything. Scorched earth.
Hey, check this out. We're watching Anal Therapy III.
This place, they sent you an email confirmation this morning.
[sex sound]
Shit, my mom will definitely check.
Littleton is nine hours from here.
If they received the email this morning, that means right now, they'd be around...
-Shit. -This is real bad. We gotta go.
We gotta go right now.
We're five minutes away. Yeah, Liz, next right, next right.
Okay, well, I'll call you from there, okay? When we get there.
I'll see if we can get us a cab.
My chair can't fit in a cab, come on!
-Where are we going? -To the van.
Scotty. Hey, not to nitpick,
but what are we gonna do when we get to the van?
All right.
You guys realize I'm blind, right?
-Yeah, just find the brake. I got this. -Okay, okay, what do I do?
-On the floor, Mo. -Mo, on the floor.
I was just getting another--
-Okay. Your right foot on the left pedal. -Right, of course, right.
-Right foot. -No, I got it, right.
You got it? Okay. This is a terrible idea.
-You got a better one? -Please don't make me drive, guys, please.
Mo, it's okay. Okay, so right foot on left pedal, right?
That's home base, so whenever I say go home, that's your home base.
-Go home, got it. Okay? -Whenever in doubt, go home.
-Go home. -[Matt] Okay?
-Bogey at 10 o'clock. -Mo, Mo, we gotta go.
You can do this, okay? Scotty, give him some fucking encouragement.
-Don't fucking kill us, Mo. -[Matt] Scotty!
Sorry, sorry.
You're gonna be great, Mo.
Just, you know, most people drive like they're blind anyway,
so you got this in the bag.
Okay, Mo, I'm gonna put the car into gear,
and on my signal, I want you to slowly take your right foot off the brake, on my signal.
-Okay. -Okay?
Now slowly take your right foot off the brake now.
You're doing great. A little more, a little more.
-The brake, the brake, pull the brake! -[Mo] Fuck!
What happened?
-What do you mean, what happened? -What'd I hit?
-It's okay. -[Mo] Fuck!
-All right, guys, it's now or never. -[Mo] No, never.
Mo?
Give it some gas.
They say that there's like something going on where their bed is making noise
when they're not on the bed, and so it sounds like they're concerned
about if there's some kind of paranormal activity or something like--
What the guy said happened was-- Totally, one second, totally, totally.
That he was sitting on the toilet, and he saw the sheets and the blanket
fly off the bed of their own volition or whatever.
Look, are you able to come down and talk to them because if I tell him
that that didn't happen, I feel like I'm saying that there's like something
going on with his room that--
I don't know if this guy has a past in some way. Do you know what I mean by that?
-This is gonna work. -Okay, I'm fucking driving.
-You got this. -Okay.
-You got this! -Shh!
All right, Mo, you're coming up at a light, okay?
I need you to hit easy brake.
-Easy brake, a little bit more. -Harder.
-Mo, a little harder. -Mo, Mo. Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo--
-[Matt] Stop! -[screaming]
[driver] What are you, blind?
[Scotty] This may be the worst idea I've ever had.
Mo, when I tell you to stop, I really need you to stop, okay?
When I fucking tell you, I can't drive a fucking van, I can't drive a fucking van!
-Okay, guys, let's just chill out. -We're gonna go to jail.
[Scotty] We're not going to jail. Just chill out.
All right, listen. Hang a right, pull onto the highway.
We gotta find somewhere else to crash.
-[Matt] Mo. Mo. The fucking highway!
Management! Open up! [knocks on the door]
[sex sound]
No, they're not here.
All their stuff is gone.
What?
No, no. That's just the neighbors.
How do you...
Looks like they got the unlimited adult content package.
I'll have to call you back.
[sex sound]
So many channels.
[Scotty] Can someone flip on my light?
Kind of busy here, dude.
I can't navigate if I can't see.
All right, Mo, remember ten and two, what I told you?
Yeah. Just like that, just hold it steady.
You don't have to hold it so tight.
Just keep it steady, keep it straight, okay? Just breathe. You're okay.
-How's that, MapQuest? -MapQuest.
I think I'm starting to get the hang of this.
Mo, Mo, go home!
Mo, Mo, the brake! Mo, the brake!
[screaming]
[grunting]
Fuck!
Is everyone okay?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys. I can't move my legs! [laughs]
-Mo, you okay? -I lost my glasses.
-It's right here, it's right here. -I lost my fucking glasses.
It's right here. It's around your neck, it's around your neck.
-Woo! -[Matt] Grab it. You have it.
You hurt? Are you hurt anywhere?
I think I'm okay. Where are we?
I don't know. We're not driving anymore.
You can take your hands off the wheel.
I didn't wanna fucking drive! I told you I didn't wanna fucking drive!
-Mo should always drive. -It was an accident.
It was nobody's fault. Mo can't drive. Got it.
-Highlight of the trip so far. -Scotty, don't, don't, just...
-Ow! That was my dick. -Stop. Stop. Both of you.
Quiet.
I'm gonna try to flag someone down.
Or not.
Scotty,
remember when you said we're not stranded in the wilderness?
Don't say shit like that ever again.
Where are we? We're in the wilderness?
Act really cool. Just act cool.
Whoa. You see that?
He's got somewhere else to go.
We're good.
Oh, shit.
-What? -Oh, shit, oh, shit.
Let me handle it, okay?
Just let me handle it.
Hello, officer.
Oh, shit.
-Is your vehicle back there, the van? -Yeah, it is.
-Which one of you is driving? -Sort of a team effort.
-Yeah, I did the pedals. -They-- They are kidding.
Our driver bailed to get help. That's why we're out here.
Yeah.
Everybody okay?
Yeah, yeah, we swerved to avoid a deer,
so that's how we ended up in a ditch.
It was a deer.
[clears throat] 227, I've got two handicapped gentlemen.
Sorry. Person with disabilities, please.
Two persons with disabilities and a blind guy.
Um, excuse me, it's visually impaired.
Yup.
Visually impaired gentleman.
Um, gonna need a tow truck and a van equipped for the disabled--
the, um, persons with disabilities.
[cop over the radio] Copy that.
My cousin's brother-in-law has Down Syndrome, so... I know.
-You good? -Yeah, we're good, thank you.
-Not good. -She sounds happy.
She's not.
Does somebody wanna explain to me
what in the entire fuck my van
was doing in a ditch on the side of the highway?
Oh, my God. You fuckers. This was a group decision.
Our parents showed up at the motel. We had to bolt.
-What are y'all keeping from me? -We just told you. Our parents were gonna squash
the trip, and that's why-- yeah.
Uh-huh! Bullshit, okay? This is not adding up.
I want all the cards on the table right now or we won't go anywhere.
I'll stay right here.
Shit. Mo, Mo.
What? No, Matt, you go talk to her.
You talk to her.
-She likes Mo. -She's very scary.
-Mo, just go make out with her. -I don't care if she liked--
Hey, hey, hey, do not mention the brothel.
Just don't mention the brothel. Seriously, yeah.
Was that a yes? Shit.
He's gonna-- I give him 45 seconds before he brings it up.
-Sorry about the seat. I had to move it. -You drove?
Well, it's a long st--
we were really worried about you.
Look, it's not gonna happen again, if that's what you're worried about.
No, Sam, we were worried about you.
I'm just glad you're okay.
It was scary, you know?
Look, it's, um.
It's really awkward to talk about.
But you know,
you don't get it. Guys like us, we--
we have a tough time with women.
It's not like we're insensitive to the moral complications.
By the way, I would never, ever-- I would never take advantage of anyone.
It's just, it's not easy for us with the opposite sex,
and Scotty found a place that, you know, caters
to, you know, guys like us.
Ah, you're going to get laid.
Me, no. I would-- but we, I mean, I would never--
we are as buddies on a field trip.
We're just-- yeah.
Thank God. I thought you guys had a suicide pact or something.
-Suicide pact? What? -Or maybe you were across-the-border drug mules.
-I really don't know you, so... -No! No, we're not drug mules.
No, that's absurd. No, we're just, uh, virgins.
Okay.
She's coming back. I cannot-- I can't read her face.
I'll let you know right now.
If you want me in the room, that's gonna be extra.
-What room? -Yeah.
-In the room with the hooker. -[both] Mo!
You had one thing not to say, and you said it.
She thought we had a suicide pact.
Why would we have a suicide pact?
I have no idea, but I see a lot of weird shit on this job, okay?
Does that mean we're good to go?
Yeah, I'm not your mama.
I'm not your mama, I'm not your girlfriend,
and as long as you're a hundred percent honest with me,
we're good. Let's get in the van.
-[Scotty] Mo. -[Matt] Mo.
[rapping]
-What the hell? -Dude, if we're gonna listen to you,
can we at least listen to some of your stuff?
Some Scotty B?
Hey, you guys know that Scotty has a secret life as a rapper?
-[Scotty] Dude, don't be douche. -[Matt] I was rolling up to his room,
and I saw him in the middle of spitting his game.
-Oh, man, do you want me to kick a beat for you? -Yeah!
-Want a fresh beat? -[Mo] Wait, is that serious?
-Holy shit! -Let's do it, Scotty.
-Come on, man! -Sam, you're good at that.
-Come on, Scotty. -♪ My name is Scotty ♪
♪ And I cannot rap My name is Scotty ♪
-Okay, I can't keep going. -Fuck you guys.
What, you can dish it, but you can't take it?
[Sam] Who's at home missing you tonight?
[Mo] Um, just my mom.
Though I'll tell you a little secret.
I told her about this trip the night before we left.
How'd she take it?
-She cried. -Aw.
Yeah, but then she actually wanted me to go.
She said she'd keep the secret.
Sweet. Her 35-year-old baby is about to lose his virginity.
-Ha-ha. -[laughing]
What about you? Who do you have at home?
No one, really. I, um,
I used to be married, but not anymore, thankfully.
-What happened? -Oh, I shot him.
-What? -[Sam laughs]
I shot him in the ass with some insulin.
-Wait, really? -Yeah really.
He was on top of our neighbor at the time,
so serves him right.
I mean, it was super fun when I was doing it,
but, uh, then I lost my nursing license for three years. And--
So now I'm single.
Can I ask you a question? Uh--
you know, this is my first time doing this,
and I was thinking maybe since you're a nurse that you could...
Wait. Do you think that just because I'm a nurse,
-I can give you like sex tips? -Well, I mean, yeah.
Okay, you are clearly as confused
about the concept of nursing as you are about the concept of sex.
Okay, I mean, now I am, yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry. Just let biology take over.
Don't plan anything.
Where's that money?
-Oh, uh, it's, um-- -Oh, right here.
-No, I got-- Oh, sorry. -Sorry.
-Oh, I see it. -There it is.
Thank you.
Nice tattoo.
You felt that?
Yeah, the ink, it raises the skin.
-Sorry, I didn't mean to. -No, it's okay.
Do you think I can, um,
I bet if I touch it, I could tell you.
Like that's a branch-- no, I mean, uh--
that's a small wing.
Okay.
Little bird?
Is that a goldfinch?
-Wow. -[honking]
-[driver] Move it!
Ugh, sorry. [clears throat]
♪ Straightjacket living But I ain't no Houdini♪
♪ Born inside a cage But nobody can free me♪
♪ Everybody looking But don't nobody see me♪
♪ It's like God gave me This body to tease me Believe me♪
♪ Sometimes I wish That I was just a head♪
♪ That maybe I would actually Get ahead♪
♪ Instead I'm fucking sitting here Stuck in cement♪
♪ Like Christopher Reeve Long after Clark Kent♪
♪ At least he got to fly Play a man who was super♪
♪ I can't even take An unassisted poop♪
♪ But fuck your pity And fuck your stares♪
♪ And if you ain't got a ramp Then fuck your stair-- Stairs♪
I think it's time to call the police.
They went on a trip, Roger. They didn't get kidnapped.
You know, Matt wouldn't have done this, unless he had a reason.
[Roger] I'm at a loss.
Hi. I'm trying to locate my son, who may have used your services to take a trip.
Last name, Kwong, also might be under Brandt.
[music playing]
♪ Hey, baby, open up I'm standing' Right at your door♪
♪ I've been gone too long And I miss you to the core♪
♪ I wanna hug And kiss you, baby♪
♪ I wanna love you all night long♪
♪ I'm gonna hug And kiss you, baby♪
♪ Gonna love ya All night long♪
-Hey, where you going? -In for the kill.
Nice. We'll be here.
Cute girls?
This place is like a babe vortex.
No wonder I wasn't getting laid back home. All the hotties were here.
Yeah, it's got nothing to do with your rancid personality.
Wait, hold up. What about Sarah, man?
From the clinic? What about her?
-She likes you, man. -Get the fuck out of here.
Fact, every time you come in there, she starts biting her fingernails.
-How do you know that? -Well, because, you know, I pay attention, unlike you
because you're too busy always eye-groping Becky's, you know, big...
-You talking about titties? -Yup.
-Okay. -First of all, I don't eye-grope, okay?
I happen to live at tit level.
Everywhere I go, all I see are tits, tits, tits.
That's the personality I was talking about.
[Mo] What's going on? Cute girls?
-Oh. -[Scotty] See what I mean?
-Okay, I get it. -If Sarah is so awesome, why don't you just ask her out?
No, man, not my type.
-What is that, exactly? -What is my--
my type is like, uh, I like...
-Hey, you guys ready for another drink? -Yes, absolutely.
-Nah, I'm good. -Mo, grow a scrotum.
You're getting fucked up with us tonight.
All right, I'll have one more vodka cran. That's it.
-Whiskey. You got it. -Here we go.
-She's growing on me. -Yeah, man, she's cool.
It was a bachelorette party, and most of them have boyfriends.
-Over there? -Mm-hmm.
-Aw. -We can do better. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
-I'll come with you. -I'll hold the fort.
Excuse me.
I'm never going home.
Hey, check it out. I think the Special Olympics are in town.
What's that called, the blind leading the cripple?
Come one, come on!
Hi, I'm trying to locate my son, who might have used your services to take a trip.
Last name, Kwong, also might be under Brandt.
You do?
[phone buzzing]
[man] What's up, baby girl? I like a lady with some junk in her trunk.
-Blow me, asshole. -That's a compliment, bitch.
Look, who is you calling a bitch?
Yo, why don't you take your girlfriend home before I beat her ass?
She's a feisty one too, huh? I like that.
Do you? Do you like that? What are you doing?
Oh, shit, seriously? You're with Special Olympics?
You're gonna apologize to her right now, or you will be sorry.
Oh, this guy wants to fight me. Oh, I love it.
You're lucky, bro. You don't have to look at her. She's a real two-bag special.
-Fuck you. -[man two] Forget him. Let's go.
-No, man, she's coming around. -Oh! Shit.
-Oh, yeah? -What are you--
-[Mo] Did you just hit him? -Bitch!
We have to go. Okay, we have to go. Matt!
You just fucked up. Oh!
Aah!
[man] Jesus!
-[people cheering] -Woo!
-Like when I came at that guy with my chair? -Incredible.
Can we not get cocky? It was three on one, all right?
Yeah, but we're a good team. We're like the-- we're like the dynamic duo.
-Yeah, we should go pro. -We should go semi-pro at least.
Hey, that looks pretty fun up there.
Mo, you got legs. Show us what you got.
-Oh, no, no, I don't dance. -Come on!
-I do not dance. -You don't dance?
-No. -Put your drink down.
-No, no, I'm serious. -[Scotty] Yes.
-Okay. -[Scotty] Oh, this is happening.
-[Mo] No, no, no -[Scotty] Yes. Yes.
Oh, this'll be a disaster. Hey, hey, Matt, where you going?
Don't leave me here, dude.
Matt.
Hey.
Give me another shot.
So are you guys like hanging out here for a little bit,
-or are you... -We're on our way to Montreal.
-Okay. -Yeah, because there's a great hiking trail there.
That was a joke.
-I got it, I got it. -I'm glad you got it.
-[Scotty] Hey. -[Mo] Hey.
Time to go, Romeo.
Hey, you guys go on ahead. I think I'm gonna hang back.
-How you gonna get back to the hotel? -I'll figure it out.
-[Sam] You sure? -Yeah.
-[Mo] He's fine. Let's go. -Be safe.
Have fun with your bachelorette.
-[phone ringing] - Uh!
Hey, uh, sorry I missed your call. What's up?
Yeah, they're with me. Why?
[girl] I love this city in the summer. It gets so hot.
-Cold as fuck during the winter. -Yeah, exactly.
You know what one of my favorite things to do in the summer is?
-What? -Swim in Lake Michigan.
-Wait, have you been to the beach yet? -No, no, I haven't.
Oh, so we should go?
-You mean like right now? -Yeah.
What, you're serious? I mean, are we even allowed to be there at night?
No.
But...
It is the only time that we can go skinny dipping.
Can you swim?
I got arms.
What do I do? What do I do?
-Aah! -What do I need to do?
[Mo] Oh, my head feels like a hurt factory.
Maybe because you dropped it like a bunker bus around that guy's face last night.
What was that thing you made me drink?
It's called the Dirty Sanchez.
Bald Turkey whiskey and 151 Bacardi, a shot of espresso.
You did four.
-What? -Mm-hmm.
It vastly improved your dance moves though.
Where's Scotty?
I think he had a rough night, man.
What happened?
I don't know, man. I think sometimes he hurts more than we know.
Fuck's taking so long up here?
Hey, man, I heard you had a rough night.
Listen, I know what it's like.
Got some pills here if you want to take,
-take the edge off for you. -What'd you say?
-I said I have a bunch of pain pills that you can take. -You know what it's like?
Yeah, dude. You're not the only one with problems.
Really?
You think just because you're in that chair
it makes us anything alike?
Come talk to me when you can't take a shit by yourself.
Talk to me when you spend a night crawling out of your skin
because you can't move. You know what it's like?
Try this on for size. You don't know dick.
-[elevator bell dings] -Ugh, finally.
[woman] Do you have any idea how irresponsible you've been?
Come on.
[Roger] Do you realize I had to cancel very important business calls?
[mother] How could you not tell us that you were leaving?
We ditched our phones that's why we weren't picking up.
We thought you were dead. We were so scared.
Oh, my God, that's so dramatic, so dramatic!
I was so scared.
[indistinct shouting]
[Scotty] We're not kids! We're grown ass men!
If we wanna go on a fucking trip, we can go on a fucking trip!
-Scotty, calm down, man. -No!
I've been putting up with this bullshit all my life, okay?
-Oh, Scott! -Yeah.
It's been so hard for you. So melodramatic? Oh, my God.
I'm melodramatic? I'm not the one who chased their kid all the way to fucking--
-That's enough, okay? We're leaving. -What do you mean?
-We've got a plane to catch. -No.
-Matthew, this is not up for discussion. -Stop it! Stop!
-Come on, Matthew. -We're going to a brothel.
What the fuck, Matt?
For the record, this was not my idea.
These guys wanted to lose their virginity, and I, you know--
I thought we were going on a fun field trip.
Stop calling it a field trip. It's not a fucking field trip.
-What is it, the fifth grade? -Oh, then what is it?
-It's a road trip! -What's the difference?
-Twenty years! -You know what? I'm with Mo on this.
Well, congratulations. You ruined everything.
You ruined last night. You're ruining this.
You're a selfish prick.
I'm a selfish fucking prick. I'm a selfish fucking prick?
-I'm a selfish fucking prick? Fuck you! -Fuck you!
-I'm fucking selfish?! Are you fucking kidding me? -Fuck you!
-Stop, stop, stop! -Come on! Come at me!
Fuck you, man! You know what? You know what?
You two aren't virgins because you two are disabled, okay?
You're a fucking virgin because you're a loser,
-and you're a fucking virgin because you're an asshole! -Matt!
I'm sorry.
I didn't tell you because I was ashamed.
But I'm not ashamed anymore.
And I'm not asking for permission.
-I should-- I should know-- -Can I? Please, please stop. Just--
For once don't talk, okay? Just listen.
I'm 24 years old.
I need to know what sex is gonna be like for me.
This guy told me about a place up in Montreal--
that caters to people like us.
So that's where we're going.
Roger.
Uh--
Give us a minute.
-I'm sorry I didn't call. -No, no, I should know. I should know this about you.
I should know this. Of course, you would wanna do something like this.
-This is my fault. -No, it's not your fault.
-It is, it is. It's not. -No, listen to me, stop.
-But no, but you-- -Stop beating yourself up.
-You need to trust me. -Ma, I do trust you.
It's just, "Mom, I want a hooker,"
is not the easiest conversation to have.
-I understand. -You know? It's a little--
It's dicey.
[Scotty] I love you.
Sorry I didn't call.
I understand it's morally ambiguous
and a little bit dangerous, but we have to let them do this.
-This is what young men do. -A little bit dangerous? No, listen to yourselves.
I am not signing off on a trip to a whorehouse.
-Stop calling it that. -That's what it is.
-Sex workers. -They need to know there's nothing wrong
-with what they want. -Yes.
You can't be serious.
Actually, I am. So, get over your discomfort.
We are going to support him in this,
and we are going to pay for it too.
You listen to me. This is not happening. No, no, and no.
Y'all look pissed off, but let me just say before you get a attitude with me,
that none of this is actually my fault.
They were gonna report me to my fucking nursing board.
Then it'd be over. Two strikes and I'd be done, okay?
And on top of that, like I don't even really do this,
like all these like long haul like road trips or whatever.
-Sam. -Like I don't really do that.
I do short trips, and I do in-home.
I get in, I get out, I mind my goddamn business.
-[Matt] Sam. -What?
Trip's back on. We can go.
Oh, okay, cool.
Where are we going? I thought the hotel was downtown.
Actually, your parents canceled your reservation and gave you an upgrade.
Holy crap. You ever taken a steam before?
-What? They got a sauna in here? -Oh, dude, amazing.
Wow. They got a Jacuzzi out back. I say we hit that later too.
-Yes. Oh my God! Talk about a workout, huh? -Yeah.
-This place is great. -Where's the douche bag?
-Dude, by the way, I was thinking about that. -Ow! Look at this!
-Will you stop? It's just a dress. -What's going on?
-Sam is in a very nice dinner dress. -Ooh.
-So, when do you wanna go to the Le Chateau Paradis? -Tomorrow.
-Yeah, today's out for me, so-- -Yeah. I think tomorrow is good.
-How about just dinner on the town tonight? -Okay.
-Dinner tonight, prostitution tomorrow. -Okay.
Hello. No one's talking.
I wouldn't know. I'm just a loser.
Mo, I'm sorry I--
called you a loser, I didn't mean it.
That's all right, man.
I'm sorry I threw you under the bus.
I should have had your back, back there.
I'm sorry.
Hey, where's my apology? Hey, Matt.
-Dude, can you take it easy? -No, no, no, no.
He got an apology. I want one too.
You left me at a table by myself in Chicago.
You called me an asshole in front of my mother.
I mean, what the fuck is that?
I would love an apology.
I'm sorry.
That wasn't very genuine.
What are you sorry for, Biceps?
Where you going, huh?
I said what are you sorry for?
-[Sam] Scotty. -What?
He's dying.
That's why he's been taking all the pills, dude.
You would have noticed that if you weren't too busy being an asshole all the time.
Knock, knock.
[sighs] You're right, I am an asshole.
Yeah.
It's part of your charm.
I, uh,
spend a lot of time feeling like I was on the outside of stuff.
It sucked.
Ever since we all started hanging out, it--
I don't know, it just feels different, like I'm included.
When you bailed on us,
it felt like I was back on the outside.
I'm sorry.
Can I ask you a question?
Are we friends?
Of course, we're friends.
Hey.
Thank you.
For what?
For this.
-You wanna take my knight with your bishop, G8 to D5. -Oh, you are so annoying.
Why are you even playing with me?
You're basically playing yourself.
I don't know how you do-- and how did you...
Like how did you see my tattoo earlier?
I mean, you know, it's something I just taught myself.
So, growing up,
I walked myself to and from school,
and there were these walls with these murals,
and I really wanted to see them.
So, uh...
yeah, that was how I figured it out.
-Well, it's a cool party trick. -Yeah, I didn't go to many parties growing up.
Do you wanna finish reading my tattoo?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Okay, I'm gonna...
-I'll just get a little close to you, if that's okay. -Okay.
-Yeah, just gonna... -Okay.
Okay, so that's the bird,
the goldfinch, which...
usually represents sacrifice or rebirth.
And the raising up of a person over their sick bed.
Then what do these branches mean?
White heather. They represent protection and luck.
You have really soft skin.
That's because I'm black.
Hold up.
You're black?
Guys, I gotta-- I gotta ask you guys something.
-What's up? -It's kind of awkward, so don't make fun of me, all right?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, what's up?
-I need one of you to shave my dick. -Fuck no. No dude.
-It's hard for me to even ask. -Yeah, I would hope so.
-No, uh-uh. -I mean, yeah. Mo, you should do it.
-What? -Yeah, you won't be scarred by the visual.
Just in case.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You're like Redfoo upside-down.
-Why am I here again? -I just need you for moral support.
Plus, I've never seen anybody with pubic hair extensions.
You can be a jerk about this, or you can just get it done.
-Might as well. -Right?
-Thanks again for doing this. Really appreciate it. -[Matt sighs]
-[machine buzzing] -[Scotty] Uhm.
Ooh, breezy.
Hey there.
[Sam] Looking good, fellas.
- Bonjour. Welcome. -[all] Hello.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Wow.
-Drinks? -Bourbon. Make it a double.
-Same. -Water is fine.
[whispers]
What's your name?
Scotty. What's yours?
Chantal.
Nice to meet you.
Come.
You're very beautiful.
Thank you.
You want to, uh...
No. I mean, yeah.
No, just, uh-- not just yet.
Wanna help me with that drink?
Oui.Relax.
Could use another one of those.
Mo. Mo.
[Scotty] Hey. Mo, what the fuck?
Dude, I'm sorry, Scotty, I can't do it, okay?
You came 2,000 miles to not have sex with one of these beautiful women?
-Mo, they're throwing themselves at us. -That's exactly what's wrong
with this place. It is not real, okay?
Look, I'm happy for you.
It's gonna be great, and I'm sure it's amazing, but for me,
I just-- I just can't, man. It just...
I think I just need my first time to be with someone special.
Yeah, I want that too.
But that's not gonna happen for me.
I know that. I've made my peace with it.
-Hope you don't judge me for it. -Never, never. I...
Go get her, buddy.
You too.
Sam, you know, I just...
We've known each other for four days. Four days, eight states.
Is it eight states? Eight states.
We've known each other for four days and eight states.
I'd like to know you for more days.
All the days, because, you know, I really like-- that's stupid.
The-- Sam, the road
to Le Chateau Paradis, it's so bumpy.
Sam?
It's got eight.
I'm gonna need a little help getting over.
I'll get someone.
Does it bother you?
The chair?
My brother has.
Your brother's in a wheelchair?
It means I understand.
Wait, wait.
I'm sorry, can you just, um...
tell me something about you?
-Uh, y-you want me to... -Tell me something. Just anything.
Like, uh,
what kind of music do you like.
You know Garou?
-Ga-- -Ga-Garou, no?
It's okay. Just forget it. That was stupid.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday Dear Scotty ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To ♪
♪ You ♪
To the new couple.
-Ew, don't. -Stop it.
And the brothel that brought them together.
-Easy. -Just chill out. We're just having fun.
I have a question.
Forget any disabilities.
Forget anything that might be holding you back.
What would you wanna do with your life?
Anyone?
Before my surgery, I was a boxer.
Really wanted to turn pro.
But as long as I get to retire by the beach,
I'm good.
Mo?
Uhm--
Honestly, I just always wanted to be a dad.
Though I will say, I do, when I have kids, I want to...
like coach them in baseball, and then we'd like move up together, like...
in Little League and then maybe like middle school, high school, I don't know.
Maybe we'll all go pro together.
Scotty?
[sighs] I don't know. Skip me.
-What? No. -[Sam] We're not skipping you.
-No, I don't wanna say. -Come on.
-[Sam] We're all going. -[Mo] It's not fair.
You can't do that. We're not gonna make fun of you.
-[Mo] We wanna know. -[Sam] Yeah, no.
Sam, how about you?
Well, I always wanted to be an artist.
But I didn't think it was a very realistic path,
so I went to nursing school,
which turned out to be perfect because I...
I really love feeling needed.
So...
I am exactly where I wanna be at this very second.
[sex sounds]
You feel any different?
Not really. You?
I thought it was gonna be this monumental shift.
Yeah, me too.
Feel a little empty, actually.
Like the whole thing made me want something...
more, something that doesn't just end abruptly.
I hope you find that person.
Hey, can you promise me something when we head back?
I just want you to find a stage, get on it,
grab a mic, you wreck it, just once.
No, man. Dude, when you look like I do,
you want less eyes on you, not more.
-Besides I would suck. -Well, what are they gonna say to you?
They're not gonna boo you.
You're in a chair.
One condition.
You gotta be up on that stage with me.
Mm-hmm.
Deal.
Matt?
Matt.
Matt!
I'll miss you for teaching me math, but I won't miss you for hogging the bathroom.
I'm so happy that you were my big brother,
and I'll miss you forever and ever.
The family wanted to have an opportunity for anyone not on the program
who may feel called to share a few words.
-Okay, let's move on to-- -[Scotty] We do.
Down a little bit. Less. Yeah, right there.
Left, left. That's-- Whatever.
Uh, so I'm Scotty,
and I'm here because...
I promised Matt that I'd do something, and...
I don't want him coming back to haunt my ass because I blew it off.
My only condition was that he be up here with me when I do this.
Guess it's now or never, home slice.
Hit it.
[music playing]
Clap your hands everybody.
We're here to celebrate a life.
I tried.
♪ Coming to you live This is Scotty In the steeple♪
♪ Here to rap a eulogy To all you lovely people♪
♪ Stand up if you can While I stay seated♪
♪ This ain't a party for pity That shit is unneeded♪
♪ It's a celebration Of this guy right here♪
♪ who taught me Not to be a pussy And overcome my fears♪
♪ I'm a glass half-empty But I can still be full♪
♪ And I don't need my limbs To bare my soul♪
♪ So, wipe away your tears And hear my story♪
♪ About three horny cripples On a quest for glory♪
♪ Matt was hesitant at first When I told him the plan♪
♪ Hightail it to a whorehouse In a Handi-Van♪
♪ This particular brothel sat North of the border♪
♪ Which for these three dudes Was a pretty tall order♪
♪ But he came onboard And we were road tripping♪
♪ Gotta find some better ladies Cause these hos tripping♪
♪ We were unstable, disabled And tired of the diss labels♪
♪ It was our turn To turn tables and prove We weren't unable♪
♪ To get it up and get it in I'm not sorry, Father For I have sinned♪
♪ So, what, we can't walk So, what, we can't see♪
♪ We just getting off Like human beings♪
♪ And it's not our fault It's not how we asked to be♪
♪ We gonna find some dignity♪
♪ So, what, we can't walk So, what, we can't see♪
♪ We just getting off Like human beings♪
♪ And it's not our fault It's not how we asked to be♪
♪ We gonna find some dignity Find some dignity♪
♪ I gotta say It's kind of odd♪
♪ To find myself preaching In a house of God♪
♪ What? After all it was He Who put me in this chair♪
♪ With no means to escape Or avoid the stares♪
♪ Then Biceps came along Taught me to power through♪
♪ To go with my flow And just do what I do♪
♪ To not let The wheels beneath me Hold the wheels in my mind♪
♪ And now my engine is revving ♪ And my pistons are firing
♪ And my brain is awake And my gear is in drive♪
♪ Thanks to my friend Matt I'm finally alive♪
♪ Ooh♪
♪ So, this one's for Matt He made me see♪
♪ In spite of this chair I can still be free♪
♪ And he may have passed on But he's still a part of me♪
♪ Bye for now And rest in peace♪
♪ Everybody So, what, we can't walk So, what, we can't see♪
♪ We just getting off Like human beings♪
♪ And it's not our fault It's not how we asked to be♪
♪ We gonna find some dignity Find some dignity♪
♪ Peace out, bitches♪
♪ Dignity♪
[Scotty] Uh, drop the mic, Mo.
No, drop it. Mo, drop the mic, it's gangster.
Yeah, yeah.
[Sarah] Hey, Scotty.
I'm really sorry to hear about Matt.
That's so awful.
I mean, I didn't really even know that he was sick.
Thanks.
Other than that, the trip was pretty awesome.
You know what they say: It ain't a real bro's trip
unless somebody comes back in a body bag.
-It's a thing. -Oh, no, I've heard that.
Yeah.
[inaudible] Keep going. Keep going.
Hey, so, um,
I was gonna check out this rapper over at the Bluebird on Friday night,
if you wanted to come with.
Or not. It's no biggie either way.
I actually can't on Friday night. I'm so sorry. I have a thing.
Oh.
But, Scotty, what about Saturday night?
Maybe just like dinner.
Dinner.
Like a date.
Yeah, like a date.
Okay.
Cool.
And they were going on a trip to get-- Asta, well, how shall we put it?
Prostitutes. Asta, so what was the trip about?
The road trip was about me experiencing
what the sexual side was in Holland.
And obviously the government helped people with disabilities out there
to have a sexual experience. I was like, "Wow, I've gotta go see this."
And was that the first time you had had sexual relations?
Absolutely, yeah. So, for me it was just completely mind blowing.
And you were like, "Oh, this is what people have been talking about?
-Okay, I can get behind this." -The parents or caregivers don't even realize
that they have a need for sexual experience
and that's what I want to help with. When you are in a situation
where you're in a wheelchair and you're getting judged every day from society,
then it's hard for-- I don't see how someone who hasn't even been
in that arena, could come up to me and say,
"Well, why don't you just go out and get your own girlfriend, man?"
-It's just like-- -Easy to say, yeah. Kiss my ass, you know.
Somebody says, "Oh, no, no. You're not allowed to have that kind of fun."
Okay, and I have a few words for them, "Piss off!"