(blaring classical orchestra)
(ominous violins)
(classical orchestra fades)
(loud garbage truck outside)
(doorbell ringing)
(persistent doobell ringing)
(car alarms outside)
(reading in head) Dear Noah R. Gutman,
thank you for choosing to participate
in our beta test of Tellr.
Here at Tellr Laboratories,
we strive to create
a better way for people to communicate,
and your experience with Tellr
will help us toward that goal.
in this package, you will find:
this letter,
one Tellr pill,
a photograph of the fellow
beta tester that you will be
going on a blind date with.
You are to meet her today,
June 21st, 2020,
at three o'clock P.M.
at the following location:
Prospect Park, 9th Street Entrance,
at 9th Street and Prospect Park West,
Brooklyn, New York, 11215.
Please swallow the Tellr pill with water
at least one hour before meeting her.
Once you are within the boundaries of the park
and are within ten feet of each other,
the Tellr...
the Tellr nanocells should automatically
sync and become operational,
and will remain operational within
the boundaries of the park
for four hours.
Please remain in the park on your date
for those entire four hours.
That's about it!
We hope you have a pleasant time,
and above all else, be yourself.
Sincerely, all of us at Tellr laboratories.
(loud subway commotion)
(loud traffic and conversations)
(footsteps coming over)
Hey! Whoa, that's weird.
- Hey. Yeah! Oh my god. Wow.
- I'm sorry I was late.
- It's fine, no worries.
- Wow, this is so weird.
- I know.
- I can't believe it works.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
- It's like, it feels like the future right now,
like, we're in the future right now,
the present feels like the future, you know?
- Totally.
- So weird.
- Do you wanna walk around?
- Yeah, sure.
- Cool.
- Mute date, here we go!
- Here we go.
So yeah, it’s
like a marketing company, kind of.
Basically we like, make videos and do social media
and stuff for brands.
And I do graphic design there, I do like,
graphics for videos
and make memes and stuff.
- That’s cool.
- Yeah, I like it for the most part.
Everyone’s pretty chill there.
The pay isn’t great, but it’s fine.
How about you, what do you do?
- I do stand up, and like,
odd jobs on the side,
like, little things or whatever.
But mostly just stand up.
- Cool. Do you do it around the city?
- Yeah, and like, out of town sometimes too.
- Awesome.
- I’ve done it like, upstate, and in Canada,
- Awesome.
- and a couple other places here and there.
- So, what’s, like,
how would you describe your comedy?
- I guess, like... jokes?
- Jokes?
- That came out wrong.
- A comedian that tells jokes. That’s very unique.
- Yeah. Nah, I mean like...
like, one-liners. Do you know what one-liners are?
- Yes, I know what one-liners are.
- Some people don’t!
I didn’t mean it like
I thought you were stupid or anything.
- Oh, wow, okay,
I wasn’t even thinking that,
but now I guess I have to.
- No! I mean like... ugh.
- I’m teasing. So, you’re a one-liner comedian?
- Yeah. Yes.
- Does the audience ever get sick
of your one line?
(chuckles)
- Oh man. That’s good.
I like that. That’s funny.
- Thank you. Maybe I’ll become a comedian
with two lines and I’ll put you out of business.
(chuckles)
- Yeah, like, ‘hey, that guy with that
one line all the time, screw that guy,
this lady’s got two lines’.
- ‘Yeah, she’s got a whole other line.’
- ‘Yeah, she’s twice as good.’
- ‘Yeah.’
(both chuckling)
(keys jingling)
This park’s cool.
- Yeah.
- So, how did you hear about Tellr?
- Uh,
well, I got like, an e-mail or whatever,
and, like, I thought it was spam
or fake or something,
and then I searched ‘Tellr’,
and I went to their website,
and it seemed interesting and real apparently,
so I went back to the e-mail
and I clicked the link in it,
and I did the questionnaire, and I got picked.
- Same.
- Word.
- It’s funny, it’s like,
all this, like, it already feels
really natural to me.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.
It’s weird.
It’s like better, almost.
I don’t know. It’s...
it's like typing, but faster.
It’s like typing in the air really fast,
but like, with your brain, and without text,
yqou know?
- Yeah, totally.
- I dunno. I’d use it.
Not all the time, but like,
I could see myself using it.
- Yeah, me too.
- I mean, it’ll probably be
crazy expensive or something,
so, I probably wouldn’t even be able to afford it.
- Yeah, it’ll probably be only
super rich people that’ll be able to
afford it and use it.
But then like, I guess years down the line,
everyone will have it, like cell phones.
- Yeah, like,
it just seems new and like it’ll be
expensive right now,
but, then one day, it’ll just be real common.
- Yeah.
- Do you wanna, like,
find a guy with a cart or something
and get something to eat?
- Yeah, sure.
- Cool.
I mean, I wish we could eat at like,
a restaurant or something.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it sucks that we have to stay in the park.
- Yeah, it’s like we’re grounded or something.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
(melodic chime)
- Please stay within the boundaries
of the park for the entire four hours.
Thank you.
(melodic chime)
- That was weird.
- Yeah.
- Did you know it could do that?
- No.
- I guess they’re listening to
whatever we’re saying.
- Yeah. I mean,
I guess that makes sense.
Like, they’re doing their test or whatever.
- They never really said they’d be
listening in on us though, right?
I don’t remember them saying they would be.
- Yeah. I mean, I don’t know.
I didn’t really read the fine print or anything.
- I didn’t either.
- I dunno. It seems like everything
listens to everything these days.
- Yeah.
- I guess, like,
don’t say your passwords or anything.
- I mean, yeah, I was gonna.
But now, I don’t know.
- Yeah, it’s like, a good thing to do
on a first date, I think. Say your passwords.
- Yeah, making out, that’s like, third date.
But sharing of passwords? First date, definitely.
- Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah.
Thank you for helping me explain
what I wanted to the guy.
You’re very good at like,
pantomiming and pointing at stuff.
- Thanks. Yeah, that was weird.
I didn’t realize we wouldn’t be able
to like, speak with our mouths
while this was going on.
- What if it never comes back?
- Oh man. That would suck.
- You’d have to like,
become a mime or something.
(laughter)
- qYeah, I would.
- Now I almost wish we’d be
rendered mute forever
just so I could see your mime career.
- Yeah. Yeah, maybe I’d have
a better career as a mime, I dunno.
- Maybe!
- It’s possible.
- Anything is possible.
- It’s true.
I wonder why they didn’t give this to like,
actual mute people to try out instead.
- I know, right? Like, this technology is
totally being wasted on us boring normal people
that have been talking all our lives.
- Yeah, exactly.
- We should, like, puke up our pills and go
give them to some people who could
actually use them.
(laughter)
- Yeah, totally.
(melodic chime)
- For your own safety, please do not
at any time attempt to remove your
Tellr nanocells, which are currently circulating
through your bloodstream.
Only a Tellr-authorized doctor is able to
perform such a procedure.
(melodic chime)
- I was joking!
- Ha. Busted.
- Shut up, I was obviously joking!
This thing is so BLEEP-ing dumb.
- Whoa.
- Holy BLEEP! What the BLEEP!
- Wow.
- Is this seriously what
the future is gonna be like? Everyone’s curses
are just gonna be bleeped all the time?
- That’s crazy.
- Yeah, I really don’t like that.
That’s way too creepy future for me.
- Yeah.
- Yo, if y’all are listening right now,
don't do that, take that out,
cause that's not gonna fly,
people are not gonna like that.
- Profanity settings modified.
Please test and confirm modification.
- Um... fuck, shit, ass, cock, cunt.
- Profanity settings modification confirmed.
- That’s better.
- Yeah that’s good.
- That was funny, you were all,
‘fuck, ass, shit, cock’,
and your face was all serious.
- I was just saying my password.
(laughter)
- Oh man. That was great.
That was such a good callback.
- Thank you.
- You know, you’re really funny.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thanks. I haven’t decided if you are yet.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah! You’re not like,
doing any jokes or anything.
I wanna hear your jokes.
- I’m eating.
- That’s no excuse,
we’ve got these things in us.
- I know, that’s the joke.
- Well, I wanna hear a real joke,
like, a stand up joke.
- Okay, when we stand up,
I’ll do that same joke again.
- You’re no fun.
- Alright, I’ll tell you one of my actual
stand up jokes when we stand up.
- Just tell me one now!
- I don’t like doing my jokes sitting down.
I tried a set like that once
and it just didn’t really work.
- Fine. But when we get up,
you better actually tell one.
- I will, I promise.
- Actually, I know this perfect spot
in this park for you to do a stand up joke.
- Where?
- I’m not telling, let’s just eat.
Oh man, this is gonna be perfect!
- This is really awkward.
- But it’s perfect!
- People over there are looking at me.
- So? They can’t hear us.
- I almost wish they could.
I feel like they’re waiting for me
to do something, but when I do
do something it’s not gonna look like
I’m doing anything, and they’re just gonna
still be staring at me like this,
waiting for me to do something. It’s awkward.
- Who cares, just do a joke!
- Can I just come down and do one?
- No! Do a joke!
- Alright. Um...
- Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke!
- Alright, alright, alright. Here goes.
Jews are interesting.
Jews love Chinese food.
Jews love Chinese food so much
that they’re willing to overlook the fact
that the Chinese Checkers game board
looks like a Star of David with a bunch
of bullet holes in it.
I’m surprised the Palestinians don’t use
the Chinese Checkers game board as their flag.
- That wasn’t a one-liner.
- Yeah. I do longer stuff too, I guess.
- Do a one-liner.
- Alright. Um.
I think my cable box might be Jewish,
cause whatever I DVR, it cuts the end off.
- That’s funny.
- Circumcision joke.
- I got it.
- Feel free to laugh at any of these.
- I said it was funny!
- I know, but like, laughter’s good too.
- If I was at a comedy club, I woulda laughed.
- Can I come down now?
- That’s all?
(winces) Ow.
- ‘Ow’?
- Nothing, my stomach just cramped or something.
Ow, that one was bad.
- Are you okay?
- I’m fine, I think I just need to lie down. Ow.
- Hold on, I'm coming down.
- Is it getting any better?
- Not really.
I’ll be fine, though,
I think it’s probably just cause I hadn’t
eaten for a while and then I ate.
This happens to me sometimes when I do that.
- You sure it wasn’t the pretzel or something?
Like, a bad pretzel?
- Can pretzels be ‘bad’?
- I don’t know.
- I mean, I guess anything can be ‘bad’.
- Do you feel nauseous?
- Nah, it’s just like...
sharp stabs in my abdomen.
- Did you eat any knives today?
(chuckles)
- Ow. It hurts when I laugh.
- Sorry.
- It’s okay. I’m sorry this is happening.
It’s annoying.
What’s wrong?
The Tellr thing isn’t working?
Try to speak from your mouth.
You can’t use either?
Um, if you’re hearing this right now,
there’s something wrong with Noah’s thing,
he can hear me but he can’t talk to me.
(melodic chime)
- It is normal functionality to not be able
to talk with one’s mouth during the beta test.
(melodic chime)
- Right, I mean, I know that.
I mean that he can’t use the telepathy thing,
it’s broken or something.
- Noah R. Gutman has been temporarily suspended
from Tellr for engaging in hate speech.
His suspension will continue for approximately
29 more minutes.
- What!? What are you talking about?
Ow!
- It is the policy of Tellr to police any speech
which attacks on the basis of religion, race,
orientation, disability, or gender.
- He didn’t do any of that!
Wait, the Chinese checkers thing?
That wasn’t hate speech!
Ow!
- Decisions on hate speech are final
and are not allowed to be appealed.
Would you like to appeal your own punishment?
- What?
- You are allowed to appeal the punishment
you are currently receiving for
engaging in bullying.
Would you like to appeal it?
- Bullying? What bullying?
- You are currently experiencing
physical discomfort as punishment for the
emotional discomfort caused to Noah R. Gutman
by your humiliation of him.
- What? That’s crazy!
I didn’t humiliate you, right?
I didn’t humiliate him! He’s fine!
- Your appeal has been denied.
- What?
- Our records show that, as a result of your
forcing of Noah R. Gutman to perform for you
in an uncomfortable setting, and your subsequent
lack of laughter, Noah R. Gutman experienced
significant activity in his pregenual anterior
cingulate cortex, the area of the brain associated
with humiliation. Your physical pain will continue
for 22 more minutes.
You have no further appeals.
- What the fuck!
We should just leave, right? Like, this is crazy.
Fuck this shit, right?
(melodic chime)
- Please do not continue to threaten abandonment
of the beta test. Doing so may result in
additional time added to physical discomfort,
increased severity of physical discomfort,
or other penalties.
(melodic chime)
(groan)
- This is so fucking stupid!
This is the worst fucking product ever,
what the fuck!
I can’t wait till this is over
and I can give it one star.
You know what, fuck this shit,
we’re going, let’s go!
(melodic chime)
- Warning. Due to persistent threats
of abandonment of the beta test,
boundary lock has now been activated.
You and your date have now been rendered
physically incapable of exiting the boundaries
of the beta testing area of Prospect Park
until such beta test is over.
Attempting to do so before such beta test is over
will result in severe physical pain,
possibly resulting in death.
This warning absolves Tellr of any and all
responsibility for harm experienced as a result
of attempting to leave the beta testing area
before such beta testing is over.
- Fuck you, fuck this. (melodic chime)
Alright, fuck, I guess we’ll wait until
your suspension is over, and then we’ll put
our heads together and we’ll
figure this out, right?
Oh yeah! Duh.
Type to me and we’ll communicate that way.
Here, use mine.
What the fuck!?
(melodic chime)
- To prevent any leaking of Tellr’s
intellectual property, your devices have been
disabled since the beginning of the beta test.
Furthermore, any attempt after the beta test
to discuss any portion of the beta test with
anyone other than Tellr representatives will
result in severe fines and possible jail time.
(melodic chime)
(groan)
- This is so fucking ridiculous.
Talk to you?
I don’t have any ideas right now,
I’m as stumped as you are.
I don’t know what time it is,
I don’t have a watch.
Oh! You just want me to talk to you
to pass the time!
Oh. Okay.
I don’t know what to talk about.
Talk about me?
Like, tell you about me? Alright...
um, okay...
I have a sister. I have a mom.
My Dad is dead. My sister’s name is Ada.
My mom’s name is Penelope.
I like scones. Like, a lot.
Olive scones.
Which sounds like ‘I love scones’.
I’ve always liked that:
olive scones, ‘I love scones’.
Right? Sounds so cool.
Oh, you like olive scones too?
Cool! Yeah! So good, right?
Yeah, I love them.
Um...
I like looking at dogs,
but I don’t like them in life.
Like, I think they’re great in image form,
but in real life they kind of scare me.
It’s like, they go too fast.
Like, it’s like they’re in fast motion
all the time, as compared to cats.
Cats always look like they’re in normal motion.
Dogs always look like fast motion to me.
It creeps me out.
Um...
I like salted popcorn with no butter on it,
with lemon squeezed on it.
Lemon is really good on popcorn.
Have you tried it? You gotta try it, it’s amazing.
The salt cuts out like, the harshness of it,
and it makes the popcorn taste amazing.
Trust me, you gotta do it, you’ll never go back.
Um... what else...
I like looking at hockey on TV.
I don’t know anything about it or anything,
but, I like its presence.
Sometimes I’ll just have it on while
I’m doing whatever.
How long do you think it’s been?
Try talking.
- Testing...
Sweet!
- Yay!
Does your stomach still hurt?
- Wow, I forgot all about my stomach.
I guess it doesn’t. I don’t know when it stopped,
I guess the talking took my mind off it.
- I loved hearing all that. That was awesome.
- Really?
- Yeah, I’m like, kinda grateful
for it happening, kind of.
That, like, it meant I got to, like,
sit and hear you talk and talk.
I dunno. It was great.
- That’s good to hear.
I felt like it was probably boring.
- Not at all, it was awesome.
- That’s good. I’m glad.
- Like, I don’t know, but, like,
do you wanna just not do anything?
- What do you mean?
- Like, do you wanna just, like,
maybe let’s just talk and sit this out,
instead of like, trying to figure out
how to escape this.
I feel like I could talk to you for hours.
I had so much I wanted to say while
you were talking, about stuff you
were saying and stuff.
I just wanna talk and talk together.
- Aw. I mean, yeah, I guess.
But, do we have to just sit?
- No, I mean, we can walk around,
I just meant like, ‘sit it out’, like,
as an expression, like,
just wait this whole thing out.
- Yeah, we can do that. Yeah.
I wanna stretch my legs.
I’m sick of sitting.
- Yeah, that’s cool. I kinda have to pee.
- Word, I think there was like,
something back that way.
We can walk that direction.
- Cool.
- I’m really sorry,
I could’ve sworn it was back this way.
- What was it that you saw?
Was it, like, a port-o-potty,
or like, an actual bathroom, or...
- A building or something.
It looked official, like people would
do stuff there and there would be
a bathroom there or something.
- Like a parks department building?
- Yeah.
(groans)
What?
- Dude, they’re not gonna let me pee there,
they’re gonna be dicks.
- You don’t know that.
- I do. No one ever lets me pee places.
I have shit pee luck.
- Well, everyone always lets me pee places,
so maybe my good pee luck will cancel out
your shit pee luck.
- I don’t know if I’m gonna make it there
to find out.
- You’re gonna pee your pants?
- Can you just,
can you turn around so I can just go pee
over there or something?
- What if a cop sees you and gives you a ticket?
- I don’t know.
I haven’t seen anyone around in a while, have you?
- I don’t think so. But maybe it’ll be like when
a cartoon looks both ways crossing the street,
and there’s no cars, and then they step out
to cross and they immediately get hit by a car.
- Don’t scare me about this.
- Why? Cause you’ll get too scared
and pee your pants?
- No, cause I won’t be able to pee.
I’ll go try and pee and I’ll be thinking about
a cop appearing out of nowhere
and I won’t be able to pee.
- Then you don’t really need to pee
all that bad then, if you wouldn’t be able to.
- You don’t know what you’re talking about.
- Oh?
- If you’re scared to pee, your body will just
not pee even if it has to really bad,
and then your bladder will just explode
or something instead.
- I don’t think your bladder would
explode just from that.
- It can. It’s a real thing.
- I don’t think so, but, agree to disagree.
Go pee.
- Can you look the other way?
- Yeah.
(gasp)
Noah! Noah!
Noah!
Are you okay!?
What’s wrong?
- I don’t know.
- What happened?
- I went to pee, and I peed,
and then, my, um, my penis started hurting,
and then a little drop of blood started
dripping out, and then when I saw that,
my hands got all weak and... I guess I fainted.
- We need to get you to a hospital.
Hello, if you can hear us, he needs a doctor!
This is an emergency.
(melodic chime)
- For your safety, Noah R. Gutman has been
physically punished for indecent exposure.
(melodic chime)
- What? He didn’t expose himself to me,
I didn’t see anything.
This is bullshit, he had to pee!
- Thank you for reporting an additional violation.
Our nano algorithm was not able to detect
the public urination, but as a result of
your report, we will be able to administer
appropriate further punishment.
(wincing and groaning)
- Stop, what the fuck! This is insane,
you can’t do that!
- Indecent exposure and public urination
are sexual offenses. Brief physical pain
is minor punishment compared to the lifetime
of discomfort he would experience were he
to be registered as a sex offender with the state.
- He’s not a sex offender!
- Not with the state. But with us at Tellr,
he now is. Rest assured, though: you are safe.
He is of no threat to you for the rest of the date
as any physical contact he has with you
will result in him experiencing
incapacitating physical pain.
(groan)
- Are you okay? Does it still hurt?
- Not really. I dunno. I think I’m okay.
- Let me help you up.
- Don’t touch me!
- Oh yeah, of course. I’m sorry.
- At least I peed.
- I’m sorry that I couldn’t find the place to pee
that I saw. I’m such a fucking idiot with
where to walk and navigation and stuff.
- It’s okay. Don’t cry.
- I just feel awful. I feel responsible for
that happening to you and everything.
- It’s fine, it’s not your fault.
- This thing sucks so fucking much.
- It definitely does.
- I’d uh, I’d pat you on the back
to cheer you up if I could.
- Thanks.
Let’s not be over here anymore,
I don’t really feel like standing
right next to pee.
- Fair enough.
- Well, I found the building eventually, at least.
- It's okay. You tried.
Isn’t it funny these people have no idea
we’re talking right now?
- Or how bad at navigating I am.
Does your, uh...
does it still hurt?
- Oh, no, It was just when it was happening
that it hurt. I’m alright.
- That’s good.
I didn’t know if you were still hurting
and were just being tough about it.
Sucking it up and being a dude about it
or whatever.
- Ah, yeah, no. If I was still in pain,
you’d definitely know.
I’m kind of a baby, I dunno.
- Ah, see, I had pegged you as a manchild,
but it turns out you’re a manbaby.
- A manbaby. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, yeah,
I like breasts, so that works.
- You’re a breast man...
- I guess, yeah.
- A breast manbaby, rather.
- Yeah, I like breasts and I cry a lot,
so, yeah, that works, I’ll take that.
- Do you really cry a lot?
- I don’t know. I mean, I was making a joke.
- I know, but did you base the joke
on your actual life?
- I don’t know. I guess. I mean,
sometimes I cry. Everybody cries.
- That’s true.
- I don’t really think about if I do or don’t
cry a lot. I just cry sometimes. I don’t know.
- Do breasts have to be really big or else
you’re not interested?
- Wow. Segue. Lack thereof.
- Sorry. The cry stuff was getting sad.
- My bad.
- I’ve just always been curious, like,
if someone is a ‘breast man’, then if a girl
doesn’t have big breasts,
are you just not interested?
- Um, I dunno, I feel like that’s kind of
a misconception. Like, people think if you’re
a breast man, or an ass man,
you’re just interested in big breasts,
or big asses, but, like, I like all breasts.
I just like nice breasts of any size and shape.
I just like the look of breasts. I dunno.
- That makes sense.
- It’s just, like, a preference thing.
Like, desert island or whatever,
if I had to pick one or the other,
I’d choose breasts.
- As in a body part of a woman to take
with you onto a desert island?
Are you a serial killer?
Ha! Yeah, exactly. Just, like, a suitcase
with a pair of chopped off breasts in it.
That’s brilliant.
- Thank you.
- You know, I feel like you could do stand up
if you wanted to.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, like, you’re funny and stuff.
You’re quick.
- I feel like it’s just coming out cause
I’m taking to a comedian.
Like, my brain just wants to think of
funny stuff to say. I can’t turn it off.
- Word. Well, you’re good.
- Thanks, I mean—
- What?
You’re kidding me. Now they turned you off?
Um, you turned Erica off,
why did you turn Erica off?
- Erica Peters has been temporarily suspended
from Tellr for engaging in hate speech.
Her suspension will continue for approximately
29 more minutes.
- What hate speech? She didn’t say anything
hateful or anything. This isn’t right.
- Decisions on hate speech are final and are
not allowed to be appealed.
- Okay, but what did she even say?
- Our records show that Erica Peters
perpetuated a harmful stereotype about women
by referring to herself as a bad navigator.
- That’s a stereotype? I didn’t even know
that was a stereotype. That’s stupid.
- The myth of women as poor navigators
has been perpetuated by anecdotal evidence
as well as by several scientific studies
that have concluded that, on average,
women are poor navigators,
as compared to men, as men outperform
them on average when it comes to
spatial awareness.
These studies are inherently sexist.
- Wait, I don’t understand,
the results of the studies did show that
women are poor navigators?
- According to the results of these several
reputable studies, women are, on average,
poor navigators, as compared to men.
- But the studies are bad studies?
Like, the results were bad or something,
cause the studies were poorly conducted
or sexist or something?
- Any scientific study, however well conducted,
with results that show any difference at all
between the sexes, is inherently sexist.
- I don’t understand.
- You are not understanding despite
thorough explanation.
The only possible reason for your continued
lack of understanding despite thorough explanation
is that you are sexist, and biased due to
said explanation coming from a woman.
As punishment for your gender bias,
you will be muted for the next 30 minutes.
Your ad-free trial period of Tellr has now lapsed.
Please enjoy the following ads,
which have been tailored to you both
based on key words said during your use of Tellr.
(calming melody)
- Insurance-covered breast pumps.
Find out if you qualify for free breast pumps.
You may already qualify for free breast pumps
with no out-of-pocket cost, through
your insurance. Apply today. Say ‘Live Chat’
to connect with a live chat representative
who will help determine if you qualify
for free breast pumps.
Many makes, many models.
Medical-grade pumps. Hands-free pumps.
Discreet pumps. Bluetooth pumps.
Double pumps.
(retro video game melody)
- Looking for the best memes?
Our library of over fifty trillion memes
will satisfy your every desire,
and, we’re growing every day!
Funny memes, sad memes,
political memes, sexy memes,
brainy memes,
you name it, we have it!
And, with our new app,
we’re in the palm of your hand!
(suspenseful music)
- Knife swallowing is an art.
I can teach you that art.
There are so many videos of me,
you wouldn't believe.
I will walk you through
every inch of the knife.
Down my throat.
Down your throat too, soon.
In minutes or less, my videos
will have you swallowing knives.
Say ‘knife me!’,
and my videos will be on your phone.
Say it!
(regal music)
- Why pee in a toilet?
Why do that?
Order a free pair of our
extra-absorbent adult diapers today.
Simply say coupon code 'absorbent'.
Pay only shipping and handling.
(silent comedy music)
- Hey there, jokester.
Hey there, funny man.
Wanna tell some jokes to some women?
Wanna hear women giggle
and guffaw at your jokes,
whatever they are?
Lovely ladies just like me
are eagerly waiting to hear your jokes.
Why settle for likes and comments
when you can hear actual
audible female pleasure?
Say the words:
'give me a laughing woman now',
and we'll connect you to a lovely
woman who can't wait to laugh for you.
Only 99 cents per 'ha'.
(simple synth melody)
We are the place for pretzels,
we have lots of pretzels,
we will feed you pretzels,
come on down to the place for pretzels,
we are the place for pretzels,
you will enjoy our pretzels.
(energetic music)
Are you board?
No, not 'bored'. Board!
I'm asking if you play board games.
Would you like to play board games... with me?
Millions of indie board games.
All sorts of titles.
Did I mention I wear glasses?
Would you like to see me... without glasses?
Customize me however you want.
Millions of combinations.
Even my nipples!
Say the words 'email me' right now,
and I will email you,
and we will be friends,
and we will play board games,
and you will never be bored again.
That time, I did mean the word 'bored'.
(cool synth music)
Popcorn is good food.
There are many things good
about popcorn.
It's tasty. It's lightweight.
It popped in order to exist.
Try popcorn today.
Say the word 'popcorn',
and we'll drone a free sample of popcorn
directly to your face.
Pop pop!
(jolly music)
- Restaurants.
Don't you want them?
Don't you love the taste of a restaurant dish
on a restaurant table?
Find the best restaurants through us!
(laughter)
(ads fade to lower volume)
- Finally!
- Yeah. Wow.
- That actually didn’t even feel that long.
- Yeah. It went by quick, kind of.
- How fucking lame are these ads, by the way?
- Yeah, they’re really bad.
- Like, are we supposed to just talk like this,
with them just going on like this
in the background?
- I guess.
- I wish we could just turn them off or something.
People are not gonna like this.
Like, this thing is practically
unusable like this.
- Definitely.
(melodic chime)
- Ads can be disabled through a one-time fee,
followed by micropayments.
(melodic chime)
- Oh. Um... okay. What’s the fee?
- The one-time fee is 10.99 per user.
You can each save 10 percent on that
if you both sign up for ad-free Tellr.
- That’s not that bad.
- Yeah.
- What are the micropayments?
- The micropayments are minutely payments
that range from one cent to ten cents,
depending on time of day.
- ‘Minutely’?
- As in, by the minute.
- So just using this for like an hour will
cost like, what, like six bucks or something?
- Depending on time of day.
- Why depending on time of day?
- During peak advertising hours,
minutely payments can cost up to ten cents.
- Let’s just do it. I don’t know what time it is,
but this date is probably over soon anyway.
It probably won’t cost us much.
- Okay.
- Alright, we’re gonna do it.
- Please state your credit card number,
followed by expiration date and CVV number.
- But, won’t we hear each other’s information?
- In the event of any credit card fraud,
simply contact your credit card company
immediately and they will help sort it out.
- Okay, but I feel like this is kind of weird.
- For decades and decades,
people read their credit card information
over the phone with others present.
Only in recent decades, where people
have switched to primarily entering their
credit card information through a computer,
has reading credit card information aloud
become something that people
are uncomfortable with.
- Okay, but, it’s still weird.
- We also accept debit cards.
Please state your debit card number,
followed by expiration, CVV, and PIN.
- That’s worse!
- Currently, credit card and debit card
are the only methods of payments we accept.
- Do you want to do it?
- I don’t know.
- Let’s just do it. Fuck it, I trust you.
Do you trust me?
- Yeah.
- So let’s do it.
- Alright.
- Alright, we’re gonna do it.
- Please state your credit card number,
followed by expiration date
and CVV number.
- Ugh, listen to that!
Listen to the silence! So worth it.
- Yeah, definitely.
- I mean, it’s not actual silence, I guess.
I mean, I hear stuff, but...
you know what I mean,
it’s comparatively silent, you know?
Silent compared to the fucking ads.
- Right, yeah.
- God those were dumb.
So, when are you gonna start
using my credit card?
- Ha. I mean, I don’t really even remember
any of the numbers.
- I don’t remember yours either.
I guess we’re both safe, then. That’s boring.
- Yeah, it’d be way cooler if like,
we stole each other’s identities or something.
- It might even help your career!
Me doing your gigs with a fake mustache
or something.
Since I’m funnier than you.
- Yeah. I’ve never made a meme before,
I dunno if I’d be good at it.
I’d probably get you fired.
- Aw! You remembered what I do.
- You only said it like, an hour or two
or however long it’s been ago.
- Yeah, but people don’t usually pay attention,
you’d be surprised.
- Really?
- Yeah. I mean, guys will forget a girl’s name
halfway into a date and stuff. It’s bad out there.
- Wow.
- Do you know what that green stuff is?
- It looks like a ton of little seed pods
or something.
- Is it algae?
- I don’t know. Could be.
- Isn’t algae good for you?
One of my roommates has it like... powdered.
She makes smoothies with it.
- I dunno. If that were the same stuff,
I feel like people would be like,
coming here with garbage bags
and stealing it and selling it.
- True. I dunno though,
I think it might be the same.
- If it is, I’m sure there’s like,
different strains of it or something.
This is probably not a good strain.
- Strains like how there’s strains of weed?
- Yeah.
- But all weed is good, all the different strains
are good, they’re just different.
Maybe this is still good, it’s just different.
- Maybe.
- I’ll pay you to lick it.
- Uh, prostitution is illegal, ma’am.
- The algae!
- Nah, I’m not licking that.
- How much will you pay me, then?
- Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.
- Why?
- Because, I don’t want you to get sick,
and I wouldn’t derive any amusement
or anything from seeing you do it.
- Well, how bout you just pay me
so I don’t feel weird about it?
I’m gonna lick it, that’s gonna happen,
but if you pay me, then I won’t feel like
such a weirdo for doing it.
- Please don’t lick it.
- That’s the first time I’ve ever heard
a guy say that.
- I really think you’ll probably get sick.
- I’m not gonna lick it.
- Good. Thank you.
- I am gonna touch it though.
- Don’t!
You should wash your hands.
- Why?
- Cause maybe you’ll touch your eye
or something and get sick.
Or maybe it’s under your fingernail now
and it’s getting into you through
your nail bed or something.
- Oh my god, you are such a little worrier.
I’m glad I did it so I could learn that about you.
- Do whatever you want.
- It’s just green stuff!
- I know.
(coughing)
Are you okay?
- Just kidding!
- Very funny.
- Let’s go somewhere else, this is boring.
Are you mad at me?
- No.
- Are you not interested in me
as a human being anymore?
- I’m interested in you as a human being.
- But not as like,
someone you might want to see again?
- I don’t know.
- That’s cool, that’s fine.
I guess I shouldn’t have touched that algae stuff,
I didn’t realize it’d be such a deal breaker
or a red flag or whatever.
- It’s not that.
- I know, I get it. You’re just not
interested in me,
it doesn’t need an explanation,
it just is what it is.
- I am interested in you.
- But not enough to ever see me again
for the rest of our lives. Got it.
- I didn’t say that.
I just said I don’t know.
- Alright, I’m gonna sound like a
weird clingy person for saying this,
which I’m not, but...
I feel like you and I
are gonna like, kinda always know each other.
Even if we never date or are never close friends
or anything, like... we’re always gonna remember
this day. And we shared this day together,
so, we’re always gonna know each other,
cause who else experienced this weird day but us?
Nobody will ever understand it
that we tell about it, except each other.
(melodic chime)
- Any attempt after the beta test to discuss
any portion of the beta test with anyone other
than Tellr representatives will result in
severe fines and possible jail time.
(melodic chime)
- I get it. I won’t, he won’t. It’s fine.
Anyone. Do you know what I mean?
Like, we shared this. This crazy experience.
So, we’re kinda stuck knowing each other
for life. You know?
So, even if we never go on a second date
or a second hangout or whatever,
let’s stay in touch. Okay?
- Okay.
- Alright, cool.
- I’m really bad at this.
- What do you mean?
- I don’t know. Like, I’m trying to play it cool.
I don’t know why I’m doing this.
- Doing what?
- Being aloof or whatever. I think you’re cool.
Like, I’m drawn to you, and like, I don’t know
what to say around you. I’ve been trying
not to like, show that too much.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know how to be around you.
I just like, constantly don’t want to be a way
where you’re gonna not like me or something.
- You don’t have to worry about any of that,
I’m drawn to you too.
- Really?
- Yeah, I don’t even know what it is,
I can’t explain it, like,
I just want to know you and keep
knowing you and be around you.
- Me too.
- Really?
- Of course, yeah.
- That’s great, then.
- Yeah.
- You know, earlier, when I found out
we couldn’t touch and then I cried, like...
part of the crying I think was because
I had been thinking about how nice it would be
to like, at some point during all this, just...
kiss you out of nowhere, and then like,
maybe make out with you
against a tree or whatever.
- Really?
- Yeah, and like, when I realized that wouldn’t
be able to happen for such a like, bullshit,
dumb reason, it made me so sad.
- Wow.
- Is it weird that I wanted to kiss you
that early on in us knowing each other?
- I don’t know. I don’t think so. I mean,
it sounds good to me.
- Have you wanted to kiss me too?
- Yeah. I mean, you’re really pretty.
Whenever you’ve said something funny or
weird or witty, I’ve wanted to kiss you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You think I’m funny and witty?
- Yeah.
- But you, like, do that stuff.
You write and perform.
I woulda figured you like, only think other people
who do that stuff are funny and witty.
- No way. Most of them suck.
- I really like your comedy, by the way.
I’m really sorry I didn’t laugh,
I don’t know why I didn’t,
I thought you’d respect me more
if I didn’t or something. I don’t know.
- It kinda turned me on that you didn’t laugh.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was hot. It gave me like,
butterflies, but, in a good way.
- That’s cute.
- Yeah.
- Cute that’s. Cute that's.
- What?
- Cute that’s. Cute that’s. Cute that’s.
- What’s going on?
- Cute that’s. Cute that's.
Cute. Cute. Cute.
- Um, something’s going on with her thing,
what’s going on?
- We are sorry. An unknown pathogen is
interacting negatively with the nanocells
within Erica Peters.
We will attempt to fix the problem shortly.
Please remain calm and get her to a safe area.
- A safe area?
- Please get her off the bridge.
If she jumps off the bridge, we are not liable.
Sit with her under a tree on solid ground.
Keep her away from heights.
That is all for now.
We will attempt to fix the problem shortly.
- Cute that's. Cute that's. Cute that's.
- I’m sure they’re working on it right now.
I’m sure it’ll be fixed soon.
- Cute. Cute. Cute. Cute.
- You’re not in any pain or anything, right?
- Cute that's. Cute that's.
Cute that’s.
- It just feels weird?
- Cute. Cute. Cute. Cute.
- That sucks. I’m sorry.
- Cute. Cute. Cute. Cute that's. Cute.
- What’s that?
- Cute that's.
- Oh shit.
Um, something’s going on with her nose,
white stuff is coming out. She needs help!
- We are sorry. An unknown pathogen
is interacting negatively with the nanocells
within Erica Peters.
We will attempt to fix the problem shortly.
Please remain calm.
- I think I have a tissue.
- Cute that's. Cute that's.
- Oh shit.
Ahh! Ugh!
Tissue. Tissue.
- Cute.
- Tissue. Tissue.
- Cute. Cute.
- Tissue. Tissue.
- Cute that's.
- Tissue. Tissue.
- Cute that's. Cute that's.
- Tissue. Tissue.
- Cute. Cute. Cute.
Tissue. Tissue. Tissue.
(ominous synth)
(bouncy synth)
(exercise synth)
(surf synth)
(majestic synth)
(horror synth)
(fighting video game synth)
(victory video game synth)
(fighting video game synth)
(victory video game synth)
(fighting video game synth)
(eerie synth)
(sad synth)
(ethereal synth)
(melodic chime)
- Good news!
You are cured and are now fine.
You will regain consciousness in the office
of our CEO, Harriet Miller, where you will
discuss your Tellr experience with her.
We look forward to your feedback.
(melodic chime)
- (reading in head) We need to talk.
I will give
you a
Tellr pill
(only will last
as long as
you are in
the building)
so that we
can talk.
Alright, let’s talk.
I cut these with nano-caffeine,
so you should be feeling a bit more
alert right about now.
- Your product sucks.
- You’ve made it very clear
that you feel that way.
- It’s fucking bullshit.
- How is it ‘bullshit’?
- Because it sucks dicks for a living.
- How does it suck dicks for a living?
Do you also feel that way?
- I mean, yeah, it’s pretty bad.
- Before we go any further,
are you both feeling fully better since
what happened with the algae?
- I knew it was algae!
- I feel alright.
- Yeah, I’m okay, I think.
- It’s hard to know what the nanocells
will try and fight.
We’re still working out the kinks with that.
- What about everything else?
All the other shit?
- What do you mean?
- All the other kinks that need working out,
like the fact that the whole
entire product sucks.
- Can you be specific with
what you think needs work?
- Literally everything besides, I guess,
the technology, which is impressive.
But everything else is horrible.
If you put this to market,
people are gonna hate this,
your whole company is gonna tank.
I don’t know how many millions of dollars
this company is worth, but all that money
is gonna be gone. You’re all gonna go broke.
- I’m flattered by your concern
for my financial well-being.
That’s very considerate of you.
- I mean, I don’t actually care
if you lose money or not,
I was just trying to get you to listen to me.
I figured you’d care about the idea
of you losing money, and then that way you'd
actually start listening to me about how bad
this thing is.
- I am listening to you.
I’m listening very intently to you.
That’s why I want you to be more specific.
Tell me something specific that you didn’t like.
- Okay, well, there’s like, a million things
I could say that I didn’t like, but like,
how about the hate speech thing.
It said he said hate speech,
that his joke was hate speech, but it wasn’t.
So, whatever the thing is that detects
that sort of thing is clearly broken.
- Is that important to you?
That that feature not be broken?
That it work well?
- Yeah, that’s what I just said.
- How much does this particular feature
being broken bother you?
- A lot.
- If we leave it the way it is,
when Tellr is released,
would you take to social media to express
your distaste for the broken feature?
- Yeah, definitely.
- And discuss your distaste
with friends privately?
- Yeah.
- And read and circulate blog posts
and articles that share your same
views about the broken feature?
- Yeah, sure.
- That’s great to hear.
How about you, Noah?
Anything you didn’t like?
Specifically, anything that would irk you
enough to devote hours and hours
of your life to thinking about how much
you didn’t like it, and getting others
to do the same?
- I don’t understand.
You sound like you want this thing to be
broken as hell just so people talk about it.
- Are you familiar with the ancient Japanese
aesthetic of wabi-sabi?
- No.
- Perhaps you’ll look into it one day
and then begin to understand why we,
and countless other companies,
do what we do.
Moving on, though: can you tell me
how you two feel about each other?
- Why can’t you just tell me
what it means right now?
- Can you tell me how you
feel about Erica?
- Um, she’s cool. She’s really nice.
- Just ‘cool’? Just ‘nice’?
You two were pretty gaga for each other,
I would say. Sparks flew.
Remember what happened on the bridge?
- I mean, yeah, I mean...
yeah, we hit it off.
I think we hit off. I like her.
- So, the blind date was a success then,
would you say?
- I mean, yeah. That part of it. The her part.
- Would you also say that the
blind date was a success?
- I mean, he’s great.
Your product is shit, but he’s great.
- So, do you both feel then that Tellr
is great for blind dates?
- What? No. Hell no. Tellr still sucks.
I’d never recommend anyone
use it ever. It’s terrible.
- But it brought you two together.
- Yeah, in that like, we were randomly
chosen for this beta test thing and
randomly got to meet or whatever.
Like, I’ll give it that, but that’s it.
- You don’t think that the negative experience
you had with Tellr helped in any way
to create the feelings you
have for one another?
- No. I mean, we probably bonded a little
in that we both hated Tellr, but that’s
not the same thing as like, liking each other.
- How is it not the same thing?
- Because that’s different. Like, us just
bonding and banding together against
this stupid thing? That has nothing to do
with like, us being attracted to each other
or caring for each other.
- How can you be so certain of that?
- Because I know my own brain,
I know my own heart. I know how I feel.
- What if I were to tell you that we have
a 100 percent success rate?
That every single blind date we’ve arranged has
resulted in sparks flying and attraction
and mutual interest?
- That’s great for you all, but that doesn’t
matter to me. I can’t be controlled like that.
I know how I feel, and I know that how
I feel is real, and I’m sure he knows
that how he feels is real. This is genuine.
I don’t know about all those other people
or whatever, but this is real.
- What if I were to tell you that at least one
person from every single blind date has
sat here where you’re sitting and said to
me what you just said?
- I don’t care. Where’s your data?
You don’t even have any data to show me
to back up what you’re saying,
you’re just saying things.
- I’ve heard that too. Every time.
You know, it never ceases to amaze me
the disbelief people have that they can be
so malleable, and subsequently, so predictable.
- I really don’t care. You think you know me,
but you really don’t.
- Oh, I almost forgot, you will both be
reimbursed for the money you spent
for the ad-free version.
You can expect a check in the mail
within six to eight weeks.
- Why can’t you just cut us a check right now?
- Because I’d like to keep your dislike
of me and my company at a maximum.
That’s very important to me.
- You’re such a bitch.
- And you’re such a helpful person.
More so than you know.
- Are we done here? Can we go now?
- You can leave, if you’d like.
I’d like to talk to Noah
a little bit longer, though.
- You know, you could really be
helping people. You have such an
opportunity to truly help people with
this technology. Like, people with disabilities
and all that. And yet you’re wasting that
opportunity just so you can be horrible
and huge and worth a billion dollars like
all sorts of other huge shitty companies
that suck. It’s fucking sick.
- Why are the two mutually exclusive?
- What?
- Why is it that I can only either help
people or make Tellr a ‘billion dollar
huge shitty company’?
- Because, the time spent making it
a billion dollar huge shitty company
gets in the way. It’s a waste of focus
and time and energy that could be
better spent elsewhere.
- Let’s talk about ‘better spent’.
Do you have any idea how much Tellr
would be worth if we went the kind of
route you’d approve of?
Have you run the numbers?
Have you run them countless times,
and had countless people run the numbers?
- Of course I haven’t.
- A slice of pie from a pie a billion feet
in circumference is much larger than
an entire pie a couple million feet
in circumference.
- So?
- So, my way,
the way that you detest,
will enable me to help more people
than your way could ever dream of.
- I don’t care.
- I know you don’t. That’s why it’s good
that I’m in the position I’m in
and you’re not. Because I’m doing the
right thing, the smart thing,
whereas, you’d do the wrong and stupid one.
- I’ll wait for you outside.
- Outside where?
- The room.
- Once you leave this room, you will
have to leave the building.
- I’ll wait for you in front of the building then.
- There’s no loitering allowed in front
of the building. You’ll have to wait
somewhere across the street.
- I’ll wait there then.
I’ll see you later.
- Thank you for everything.
You were wonderfully predictable.
- Fuck you.
- Hello, Noah.
- Hi.
- I’m speaking to you alone to spare you
any embarrassment in front of Erica
for what I’m about to say to you. Although,
saying what I’m about to say to you would
probably endear you to her even more,
given that she detests me and is primed
to disagree with me vehemently on
pretty much anything.
But, you’re already pretty far with her,
and will probably get laid tonight
if you play your cards right,
so, the embarrassment, I think, would be
unnecessary. Do you understand?
- Uh, sure.
- Good. Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- What does the word ‘beta’ mean to you?
- It means like, when you test something
before it’s done.
- Correct. But, colloquially:
what does it mean to you as just a casual,
colloquial term? A label?
- Well... I mean, it’s like... sometimes
people use it to describe like, a guy
who isn’t ‘alpha’ or whatever.
- Guy or girl, yes.
But what does that mean specifically?
Can you describe someone who is ‘beta’?
- Um... I guess someone who’s weak or something?
- Weak, yes.
Unassertive. Meek.
The list goes on.
Are you aware that you are 'beta'?
- Um... like, I guess I can be
sometimes, but, like, I wouldn’t define
myself as that.
- I’m going to be frank with you.
The beta tests we conduct
are literally beta tests.
We put people through a horrible time
with our product in order to see whether
they will behave in an alpha way
or a beta way.
Erica behave in an alpha way.
You behaved in a beta way.
Are you following?
- So wait, so like, this all isn’t real?
This is all just, like, a thing to see that?
- Oh, Tellr is very real.
Tellr is immensely real.
And by the end of this year, we will be the
first company in history to have a monopoly
on an entire sense: telepathy.
And the ramifications of that are beyond vast,
beyond what you could ever in a million
years conceive of. And so, we are
conducting countless tests before we roll
Tellr out. Tons of valuable data was collected
during your date with Erica. Not just whether
you were alpha or beta,
or she was alpha or beta.
But, I will say, the alpha or beta data
is of special importance.
Do you have any idea why?
- No.
- Because Tellr will assuredly bring about
a dystopia. And a dystopia needs alphas.
Alphas to bring the world back out from
the dystopia. One might say it’s a controlled
dystopia that we are causing, since we know
it will occur and are preparing for it.
And part of that preparation entails figuring
out exactly how many alphas there are
in the world, and how many betas.
The right number of alphas in the world can
get the world back out from any dystopia.
Stop me if I’m confusing you.
Are you getting this?
- I mean... I think so.
- It’s a lot to wrap your head around.
And even though it may seem like I’m telling
you a lot, I’m leaving out a ton that I can’t
really talk about. Just trust me that this
dystopia we are bringing about is necessary,
and a good thing for mankind in the long run.
Growing pains, so to speak. But, anyway,
all this brings me to a very important
question I have for you: do you want to be
an alpha or a beta?
- Um... I mean... alpha?
- These pills will make you alpha.
A single pill will eradicate any shred of ‘beta’
within you. You will become as alpha as
you could ever possibly become.
No side effects.
Nothing to worry about.
Will you take it?
- What’s in it?
- I can’t tell you that.
All I can tell you is that
if you take it,
you will leave here an alpha,
and you will be a part of what will
bring the world out of the dystopia
that we are about to cause.
What do you say?
- Um.
- Okay.
- Come to me.
How do you feel?
- I don’t know.
- You don’t feel different at all?
- Not really. Maybe a little. I don’t know.
- You shouldn’t feel different.
It was a sugar pill. There was nothing in it.
Thank you for choosing to take it. By doing so
you have just confirmed our determination
of you as beta.
Only a beta would choose the pill.
We’re done here, you can go now.
- That was a trick?
- Scientists don’t ‘trick’,
we test.
That will be all, you can go now.
- Wait, is the dystopia stuff real?
- Absolutely. Most definitely.
And you will certainly perish during it.
Which is good, because it means your
beta genes will not be passed down to
any offspring.
By the way, please use a condom with Erica.
She has good, solid,
alpha genes, and they should mix
with the genes of another alpha.
- Fuck you.
- By all means, enjoy yourself with her.
And enjoy the rest of your life,
what little of it you have to look forward to.
Just, please, be the end of your gene line.
- Fuck you.
- Thank you for your time. We are done here.
If you do not leave this room within the next
five seconds, you will be violently escorted
out of the building by the security guards
down the hall.
- Fuck you.
(loud street traffic)
(footsteps)
- How’d it go?
- Fuck that fucking cunt.
- What the fuck was up with her?
- Let’s get the fuck outta here.
- Where do you wanna go?
- We’re going to my place.
(piano ballad instrumental swells)